Zichron Avraham Yehudah: April 2006

Sigel Hebrew Academy Graduating
Class Trip to Israel

This year's graduating class from the Sigel Hebrew Academy, from which Avi had graduated last year, left on a two-week trip to Israel. At least one year too late, the Academy finally established a policy that all 8th-grade class trips now and in the future will be to Israel. (Avi's class had gone to Washington, DC, and Baltimore.)

I gave one of the students, Avi's friend Hillel Adler, a memorial prayer to place inside the Kotel - the Western Wall - to fulfill a centuries-old custom. In addition, I asked Hillel to be a shaliach mitzvah - "Mitzvah emissary" - with some money from Avi's stash to donate to a charity in Israel.

Right now, Avi's only connection to the Land of Israel is some Israeli soil in his coffin. When Hillel performs his sacred tasks, he will make a living connection for Avi with the Holy Land.

May Hillel and all those with him have a spiritually rewarding and fun time in Israel, and may they all return safely.

TNR: "Mourning in America"

My May 1 copy of The New Republic arrived today, in which I found this book review,
"THE CONTEMPORARY EXPERIENCE OF GRIEF: Mourning in America," by Rochelle Gurstein, a review of The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion (Alfred A. Knopf, 227 pp., $23.95); and, The Best Day the Worst Day: Life with Jane Kenyon, by Donald Hall (Houghton Mifflin, 258 pp., $23).

I haven't fully digested Ms. Gurstein's article yet, but I was struck by these excerpts about a book by C.S. Lewis:

A Grief Observed was published in 1961, and it has been in print ever since. As one might expect from such a rigorous intellect, Lewis's account of his pain is a sobering one. "Don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion," Lewis declares, "or I shall suspect that you don't understand." His wife's death so completely unhinges him that when he tries to pray for her, he finds, to his "bewilderment and amazement," that he must halt, for he feels "a ghastly sense of unreality, of speaking into a vacuum about a nonentity." That he cannot locate her in either time or space raises the crushing possibility that his faith was strong only so long as it was not tested: "Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief. Apparently the faith--I thought it faith--which enables me to pray for the other dead has seemed strong only because I have never really cared, not desperately, whether they existed or not. Yet I thought I did."
.....
The rest of his beautiful little volume provides an unflinching record of Lewis's effort to reconcile himself with his loss. It is, above all, an exemplary story of the experience of personal suffering, and the humbling of the will that comes with it. The story moves toward a close with Lewis struggling to put into words a sublime yet terrible paradox: "Lord ... can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don't care whether I meet her or not?" Lewis's capacity to formulate this paradox signals a renewal of his faith. And while it gives him the hope of redemption and a future reunion with his wife, it also makes clear why religion does not offer any consolations, for Lewis must accept precisely what he found most unbearable when he was in the throes of grief: that he will never again meet the particular woman he loved with all his being. Indeed, their eternal reunion is possible only if he gives up all such earthly illusions.

I'll have to read Lewis's book before I can comment. Please email me if you have difficulty accessing the article.

Diabetes Walk in Avi's Memory by
Karen & Jim LaBrosse & Family

The following is adapted from the April newsletter a legal document preparation francisor:

Karen and Jim LaBrosse, franchisees at the New London, CT and Providence, RI stores, and their three children plan to participate in a fundraiser for the RI Foundation for Diabetes being held on May 21st. They will sponsor themselves as a team so that all monies they raise can be donated in honor of Avi.

Karen and Jim wish to invite each of you to take this opportunity to extend your support to Jay and his family by donating in honor of their son.

Send a donation payable to:
Diabetes Foundation of RI, Inc.
Mail it
c/o 298 Atwells Ave.
Providence, RI 02903

The LaBrosse family greatly anticipates this event. Following the event, they will forward to Jay t-shirts from the Foundation that read: In honor of Avi Lapidus along with a card informing Jay and his family of the many who donated in their son's honor.

NY Times: "Rituals of Grief Go Online"

Today's The New York Times has an article entitled, "Rituals of Grief Go Online as Web Sites Set Up to Celebrate Lfe Recall Lives Lost." Click the title above for the link.

The experience of John Walker, the father of the late Deborah Walk, age 23, is similar to mine.

"It's a little weird to say as a parent, but the site has been a source for us to get to know her better," Mr. Walker said. "We didn't understand the breadth and scope of the network she had built as an individual, and we got to see that through MySpace. It helped us to understand the impact she's had on other people."

Although Avi did not keep a personal blog, Digital Pandemic served a similar networking function for him ... and now for me. I log on generally once a week. Some of Avi's online friends continue to memorialize him in their signature lines, and Digital Pandemic itself keeps a permanent, one-line tribute just underneath the copyright notice at the bottom of the page.

Fortunately, my family and I were largely spared the inappropriate messages of the kind received by Deborah's mother:

At the same time, Ms. Walker's mother, Julie, wrote in an e-mail message, the family was overwhelmed by unsolicited e-mail messages from strangers offering platitudes and seeking to advise them on how to handle their grief. The family found such offerings unwelcome, however well intentioned.

Mrs. Walker went on to write:

"The grief of our own friends and family is almost more than we can bear on top of our own, and we don't need anyone else's on our shoulders."

Probably because I was not overwhelmed with advice and platitudes, my reaction to the outpouring of online grief was just the opposite. Rather than feeling that the grief of others was weighing down on my shoulders, I felt that their grief carried me on their shoulders.

Incidentally, I did not have to lecture Avi about MySpace.com and the dangerous situations children were getting themselves into on it. Avi knew about the mistakes that his pers were making.

Announcement to Beth David Parents, April 26

Building a Lasting Memory

Following the untimely passing away of our friend and congregant Avi Lapidus, BDS parents met to discuss how their children were reacting to the tragedy. One of the resolutions that emerged from that meeting was to provide the youth of the congregation and those classmates from the local day schools a constructive forum to memorialize the friendship and scholarship epitomized by Avi. The most widely supported idea was to schedule a learn-a-thon that coincided with the holiday of Shavuot.

It is time for action. Following a short text study at Kiddush this week, Rabbi Adler will present a proposal and seek input regarding a learn-a-thon that will
(a) allow our kids to dedicate their holiday Torah study to Avi's memory and at the same time
(b) generate tzedakah that can be used for a variety of memorial projects proposed by Avi's peer group.
BDS parents along with their middle school and high school aged students are asked to make every effort to be in shul this Shabbat, to share in the discussion, and to craft a vision that represents the best interest of all of our families.

First Yizkor

Yesterday, my family and I observed Yizkor. Susie, Menachem and Chana did so for the first time.

My parents' yahrzeits occur during the month of Shevat. This past Shevat - roughly corresponding to February - I went to the Hebrew High School of New England, Avi's school, to lead services and to recite Kaddish on each yahrzeit of my parents.

Avi saw how I honored his grandparents. At the end of each service, Avi joined others in shaking my hand and wishing me yasher ko'ach, which means in essence, "May you be strengthened for having performed a mitzvah."

By the end of that same month, I was reciting Kaddish for Avi.

Metaphor of the Candles

On Shabbat and major holidays, Susie lights five candles - the minimum of two, plus one for each of our children, as is the custom.

On the final night of Passover, one of those five candles went out while only halfway down. That extinguished candle remained standing tall for the remainder of the festival, long after the four other candles had become fully consumed.

Tahanunim - Supplications

Avi was meticulous about adding private supplications at the end of each Amidah, the central series of prayers of each service. He wanted others to be equally meticulous.

I have added a supplication of my own to the end of every Amidah: "May it be Your will that the remembrance of Avraham Yehudah be established forever."

"Boycotting" Hallel

On the Jewish Festival days including Passover, Jews recite Hallel, a series of joyous psalms - numbers 113 through 118 - during the morning services.

Jewish law notwithstanding, I refused to recite Hallel during the morning services on the first four days of Passover. That was my protest.

I would have found it particularly galling to have chanted Psalm 115:17, "The dead do not praise You, nor do those who descend into silence." Avi can no longer recite that and the following verse, "But we shall praise You now and forever."

Where is Avi's "now"? What happened to Avi's "forever"? The Psalm itself declares that the dead cannot praise God.

During each of those four days, I joined Avi for a moment by descending into silence. If he could not chant, then neither would I.

JPost: "How is this night different? My son is no longer with me."

Above is a link to Glen Holman's link to a column by Matthew Wagner in the April 12, 2006 edition of the Jerusalem Post.

Kos Avraham Yehudah

Avi used to recite the Four Questions at our Passover sedarim. Although he is now silenced forever, Avi remained a presence at our festival table last Wednesday and Thursday nights. My family used his two Kiddush cups - both were bar mitzvah gifts - for Kos Eliyahu haNavi - Prophet Elijah's Cup: on the first night, Avi's Shabbat Kiddush cup, and on the second night, his Passover Kiddush cup. Some day, they will be passed on to Menachem's and Chana's families, God willing.

Kos Eliyahu haNavi represents the Jewish People's yearning for the return of Elijah, who according to biblical lore never truly died and who will return someday to herald the coming of the Messiah, the embodiment of mankind's hopes for a better, peaceful world.

Unlike Elijah, Avi died and cannot return - at least not in this world, but my family and I yearn for our son and brother nevertheless, and for the promising future that was denied to him. Avi can no longer physically embody our hopes. We can only pray that his memory will sustain us and will inspire all those who were touched by him.

The Day Avi's Braces Came Off Last July

Avi's orthodontist, Dr. Cirtu, presented us with this picture today, taken July 19, 2005.

D'var Torah Presented at the Annual Dinner of the Hebrew High School of New England by Rabbi Daniel Loew, Principal

Delivered April 9, 2006. RE: Exodus 14-15

...As someone raised in West Hartford, it is such a privilege to be the Head of Hebrew High School of New England. We have accomplished much and have so much to look forward to. However, as a community we have also experienced tragedy and I can’t get up to speak tonight without acknowledging the untimely loss of one of our students, Avi Lapidus of blessed memory. Avi was a ninth grader at HHNE who passed away suddenly in February. It was a shock for our school and community, and Avi is terribly missed. I am so proud of the way our students, our parents, and our faculty responded, doing everything in their power to comfort the Lapidus family and each other. Everyone felt the loss, and everyone wanted to be involved in supporting each other.

This theme, that the entire community is involved, is born out in a Gemara [passage from the Talmud] I’d like to share with you, half of which is very well known. In just a few days, we commemorate the Exodus from Egypt, the culmination of which was the splitting of the sea. There is a famous midrash [rabbinic story] recorded in the [Talmudic] tractate of Sotah that when the people stood with the sea in front of them and the Egyptian army behind them, they were paralyzed. They knew that they were to proceed into the sea, but it had not yet split, and each tribe tried to cajole the other to be the first to jump in. Until Nachshon ben Aminadav sprang forth into the sea and ran in until it was up to his neck, and at this demonstration of faith the waters finally split and the rest of the People followed.

However, this is the second opinion recorded in the Gemara, that of Rabbi Yehudah. The first, far less famous, reads as follows:

(Sotah 36b-37a)

According to Rabbi Meir, the tribes were not hesitant to go into the sea, but quite the opposite: they were competing for the privilege of being the first to listen to God’s wishes.

These two opinions indicate two models of communal leadership. Sometimes it is necessary to have a Nachshon, a fearless leader to jump in when no one else will take the plunge. However, our school was founded very differently. Each of our founding families, from New Haven, Springfield, and Hartford, though it took years of hard work, wanted the privilege of being involved in building something great. It was a communal effort. Our rallying this year in time of tragedy shows that we still have that same spirit.

May God grant us the strength to continue building this school as a community, with everyone involved.

Whom can I be angry at?

Anger is a natural part of grief, but I did not feel it until a few days after Avi's death, when I learned from Menachem about Chris Porreca and Avi's activities on Digital Pandemic.

Menachem had logged onto Avi's MSN Messenger account and found Chris (userid "kaok") trying to contact Avi. Menachem informed him of the news and Chris immediately revealed his full identity and gave his phone number. Menachem called and found Chris in tears. Menachem could literally hear him trembling. Until then, Chris had no idea how young Avi was.

When Menachem related his conversation to me, I became at once proud and angry - proud over Avi's brilliance, accomplishments and advanced coding knowlege, and angry over Avi's loss of his promising future, but I did not know whom to get angry at. I did not blame God (although that would have been okay), because God did not strike him. I did not blame his doctors, nurses and other caregivers at the hospital, because I knew that they had done all that was humanly possible. I did not get angry with Avi (anger at the deceased is normal and not unusual), because he had done nothing to contribute to his demise.

So, whom can I angry be at - the virus that triggered the events? Avi's auto-immune response? Bad genes? Unthinking, insensate strands of protein with DNA or RNA?

I guess I'm angry because I need to be angry - anger hides feelings of intense grief - but I have no one to be angry at!

Maturity of Language

Avi's questions to the Internet Explorer developers, asked the same month that he died, show his maturity of expression. Click above.

"What are you doing for Presidents' Week?"

These are Avi's last Internet postings. He started a thread on AntiUrl.com on the "Main Social" message board, sadly and ironically entitled:

"What are you doing for Presidents' Week?"
Here's how he opened:

From: alapidus | Posted: 2/19 5:14:06 PM |# 001
Me, nothing...

What about you?

Avi got several responses, mostly expressing surprise that there was a week-long school vacation. A Canadian lamented that he only got off one day for Queen's Day.

This is Avi's final comment:

Posted: 2/20 5:22:54 PM | # 016
The whole point of this topic was to share what you're doing, not what it's called... -_-
---

That was Avi's last time on his computer, the one that he had built mostly by himself.

A few days later, after I had informed the Digital Pandemic board, the word spread and followups on Avi's "What are you doing for Presidents' Week?" thread began to appear.

From: Xero | Posted: 3/2 5:37:37 AM |# 020
alapidus last viewed topic :-/
---

From: SpMonkey | Posted: 3/2 2:14:27 PM | # 021
;_;

---
From: Bsharp | Posted: 3/2 10:45:02 PM | # 024
http://antiurl.com/boards/whois.php?user=59

Last Login 2/20/2006 5:38:04 PM
Last Page Viewed /boards/message_list.php?topic=5936
---

From: Xero | Posted: 3/2 10:46:09 PM | # 025
yeah I was just about to post that.He last signed in on the 20th,before he died,and this is the last page viewed.
---

From: herki hawkeye | Posted: 3/3 2:09:49 AM |# 026
;_;

Goodbye alapidus...

You were awesome.

*saLUEtes*

Halachic Organ Donor Society

When Avi was pronounced dead, I offered his organs for donation. When I was a student chaplain years ago in Chicagoland, I had the task while on-call of soliciting organ donations from the families of deceased patients. The law required solicitation, which had to be done quickly while the organs were still healthy.

Unfortunately, because Avi died with a 109 fever, his organs were unusable, so not only could we not save his life, we could not help to save the lives of others.

You may click on the name of the organization named above for more information about the halakha of organ donation and about how you can help save lives.

For those unfamilar with the term, "halachic" is the Hebrew word halacha (or halakha), meaning Jewish religious law, with the English suffix "-ic."

Makom Kavu'a

That's the Hebrew for "fixed place," i.e., "regular seat" at the synagogue. As a frequent attendee, Avi had a makom kavu'a right next to mine towards the front of the sanctuary. Rabbi William Cohen, the rabbi emeritus, sits on our side, above on the bimah.

Avi's meriting through his weekly attendance a makom kavu'a makes his absence especially difficult for the regular worshippers, who recall how he used to enter with a smile and shake hands with Rabbi Cohen and with those of the senior members.

A tallis ("prayer shawl") now drapes Avi's seat. Nobody will sit there for the year. During the sheloshim, I moved my seat to the rear of the sanctuary. On the Shabbat during shiva, I had doubted that I would ever be able to move back after sheloshim, but move back I did, albeit one seat removed. I don't know when I'll be ready to return to my own makom kavu'a - it's just too hard now.

"His name is guilt"

Glen Holman, himself a bereaved father, emailed me shortly after I had created this weblog. His blog, "Moving On," remains for me an invaluable resource.

In the hours and days after Avi's death, Susie and I felt enormous guilt. I had known from my counseling training that guilt feelings are irrational, but I still had them. This excerpt from Glen's blog entry of February 28 (click on the title of this post) provided me with a powerful antidote to the poison of guilt:

Hashem created a Yetzer Hara specifically for the difficult times in life but there is a specific Yetzer Hara for bereaved parents. His name is guilt. He is sly and powerful. He neither sleeps nor gets tired. And he takes advantage of every opportunity that he gets. And his helper is our need to be in control. Human nature incites us to find someone to blame. But there is a weakness that exists in this Yetzer Hara. His weakness is that he has no independent life source. He lives because we give him life. Our own conscience is his life source. We need to recognize 2 things. Firstly, that there are certain things that are beyond our control. And secondly, that I need to do my best with whatever is in my control. How we react to crisis is in my control. And how you both handled yourselves is something that your family and you can be very proud of. Don’t give life to the guilt.

From "TheSlyder," Age 20

The above links to a blog entry by a Digital Pandemic user. The details about what happened to Avi are not accurate, but TheSlyder expressed sentiment shared by so many of his peers.

Daphna Bittan's Weblog

Click the header above.

Mikhajist Productions

I just found this tribute from a web designer:

3/02/06: R.I.P. Alapidus
Avi Lapidus, a well-known user and brilliant programmer at GameFAQs and its spinoffs, passed away on Thursday, the 23rd of February, from advanced diabetes. He will be remembered, and missed.

~Michael, Webmaster

Avi's Kindergarten Teacher Remembers

Mrs. Levana Lichter of the Solomon Schechter Day School of Nassau County, Jericho, NY wrote that she has "never forgotten Avi's shining bright blue eyes, his sharp mind and his giggle when he knew the right answer...I was so proud of how smart he was."

Isaiah 25:8 - "He will swallow up Death forever..."

Another short excerpt from my siyyum:

Moed Qatan concludes on an uplifting note with the verse from Isaiah 25:8 - "[God] will swallow up Death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and He will remove the reproach of His people from all the earth, because the LORD has spoken."

My teacher, Rabbi Neil Gillman, in his book, The Death of Death (p. 51), observes that Mavet - Death - is personified. This is one of a number of passages throughout the TaNaKh that pictures God in combat with Death, and that implies that God has not yet subdued the forces of anarchy and chaos. It's as if the personified Death exists independently of God, but Isaiah foretells the day when people will no longer die; that is, he predicts the "death of death," a day in which there will be no more tears of sorrow.

When that day comes, the verse from Zechariah 14:9, which concludes the Aleynu prayer, will be fulfilled: "And the LORD shall be king over all the earth; on that day the LORD shall be one and His name one."

"RIP Alapidus"

We may come from different religious traditions and beliefs, but we are all united as human beings made in the image of God, and we are all united in our loss. Not everybody on Avi's gaming sites knew that he was (and remains) Jewish or knew a lot about Judaism.

A Digital Pandemic user known as SaveFerris03 created a web page a month ago dedicated to Avi's memory. The site has a Christian theme, depicting a winking bearded man wearing a white robe, and music, "He's an awesome guy, he rates!"

Click here for an introduction to the page, on which you can find a link to the page itself.

I appreciate SaveFerris03's love, efforts and sentiments.