God did not cause Avi to die.

(Thoughts from the Siyyum the I conducted last Shabbat.)

God does not want bad things to happen to us. God does not tear children from their parents for the sake of some supposed "higher purpose."

I've heard every type of rationalization to attempt to explain the untimely death of innocents:

God thought the victim so good that God wanted him by God's side.

What?! God couldn't wait? God really wanted to inflict a lifetime of pain on parents and siblings?! Did God really intend to traumatize classmates?! I don't think so.

God is sending a 'wake-up' call to repentance.

The "wake-up call" doesn't do the deceased much good.

God is testing the surviving loved ones to build character.

What about building the character of the deceased?

Think of surgery. The surgeon causes deep wounds, but he will make the patient better than ever.

A surgeon explains to the patient and family prior to surgery what he is going to do.

Think of a farmer who rips up a field, but then sews seeds. After plants grow from those seeds, the farmer cuts them down. The farmer appears to be a destroyer until we see the end product - loaves of breads.

A human being is not a field.

God has a plan that we mortals are incapable of comprehending.

In essence, this is the answer that God gave Job. I will share my thought on the Book of Job in a future post.

We are simply the random victims of the evil and chaos (tohu vavohu - see Genesis 1:2) that persist in the incompletely-created and the yet-to-be-perfected parts of our world. As Rabbi Harold Kushner would say, catastrophe does not discriminate between good and bad people, the religious and the not-yet-religious, or Jews and non-Jews. God will complete Creation (Ma'ase Bereishith) and humans will someday succeed in helping God to perfect the universe (tiqun olam).

God does not desire the suffering of the innocent. Indeed in Hassidic lore, when human beings suffer, God suffers. God provides healing to the broken-hearted. God provides his people with strength to overcome catastrophe, as the very last line of the entire Six Orders of the Mishnah, quoting the Psalmist, says "The LORD will give strength to His people; the LORD will bless His people with peace."

(To be continued, with my thoughts on Isaiah 25:8, which concludes the Mishnaic tractate, Mo'ed Qatan.)

Rabbi Avi Shafran, Agudath Israel

Dear Jay,

I was deeply anguished to read of your and your wife's terrible loss. Although you and I know each other only "at a distance," as erstwhile engagers in a machlokes lisheim Shomayim, I think of you as a friend and want you to know that my heart aches for the hole Avi's petirah has left in your own.

Reading about him, it is clear to me that Avi was a truly special boy, one in whose life you and your wife should rightly take great pride. May you both, your other children and all who knew Avi, somehow be comforted mitoch shar aveilei Tziyon vi'Yerushalayim.

Avi Shafran

He will always be 15 years old.

That to me is what's most painful - that as Menachem and Chana get older and become complete adults, and as his classmates progress and graduate high school in a little more than three years to disperse and to coninue their educations and start their own families and careers, Avi will remain behind forever at 15, becoming a fading memory...

I watched Avi slip away once...I can't let him slip away again.

At least, he died in a bed.

The death of a child is a parent's worst nightmare. A number of wellwishers have told my family that they cannot imagine anything worse than what we are going through.

I can.

At least, Avi died in a bed with his parents, rabbi and caregivers at his side. At least, he was sedated at the end. At least, his body did not have to be discovered and found marred. At least, he had not beaten to death by terrorists in a cave. At least, he had not been neglected and left to drown, unlike a six-year-old in my community not too long ago. At least, he did not die due to someone else's neglect in a house fire.

It's no comfort to us that other children have and continue to suffer horrible fates every day, but it puts things in perspective.

From Gabriella Feingold, a Classmate

Gabriella posted the following to her AIM profile (edited for posting here):

Avi Lapidus was a 15 year old boy who lived in West Hartford, Connecticut for the majority of his life. Unfortunately, that life was cut short wen he died of acute onset diabetes. he was in my class for 4 years, both in middle school and high school, and he was very intellectual. I wish he could have stayed on this earth because there is so much i would have told him if i had known that he would be leaving so soon.

I would have told him that, even though I didn't show it, his jokes about womens rights did make me laugh...and i miss them. i would have told him that his smile lit up the room, even if it wasnt always appreciated at the time. I would have told him that his deep blue eyes always seemed to me, to hold more knowledge and understanding than he let on. I would have told him that I admire the way he never let anything negative that anyone said bother...which is something that i can find in barely anyone I know.
I never told Avi about the things I appreciate about him, and now that he's gone I wish I had. and I would have told him that I am a different person because I knew him.

His death is a loss to his family, a loss to his peers, and a loss to the whole community that he contributed to.

We'll miss you, Avi.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.


With love,

Gabriella Feingold

I'll post soon my remarks delivered this morning on the occasion of Avi's Siyyum.

A "siyyum" is a teaching and celebratory session marking the conclusion of one's study of an order of Mishna, a codification of the Jewish Oral Law edited around the year 200 c.e., or of a tractate of Talmud, which is a compilation of early Rabbinic discussions about the Mishna.

This morning, I led a siyyum of the entire Six Orders of the Mishna on behalf of all those who had studied a tractate of Mishna in Avi's memory.

I spoke extemporaneously this morning from notes, so I need to write a version suitable for posting, which I plan to do within the next few days.

The Spark -- Memorial IssueAvi's Last D'var Torah

The Spark - Memorial IssueTribute by Avi Snyder

Rabbi Joseph PotasnikNew York Board of Rabbis

From Nick Presta, a Friend on Digital Pandemic

First, I would like to extend my condolences to your family. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. ...

I was a friend of Avi. We met on a message board early last year. The theme of the message board was Web Development (Coding and Design) and while I was learning, Avi helped me greatly. He taught me and offered his advice with some of the tasks I had to accomplish not only to me, but to many other people.

A topic at the message boards was made in his honour.

The follow people wanted to say goodbye to him and wish your family their ondolences: Helljumper, Ricapar, ns1987, Mysteerie, Outboarder, BladeBunny, EBcubs03, Zareba, Justin, UltimateGamer, Nonexistant Day, Koran Rag, Solidus, Eric King, Ruby Weapon X, Ultra Elite, Brendanator, LTC, Hawkeye, Stripe, 23rdMagus, Skateboardin, Xboxlover2, NSA, Ronald, GameSource, Megaman Xero, XiMagus, Headbanger, Starworld, InfiniteFox, msg Master, Bob, Supersizeme, Your Eliteness, Jero, Milan, SN256, MostWanted, Sirbular, Secptile Master, James, Survivor Series, Mantastorm, NintendoGirl, GamerGirl, Perfection, HID, Kaplan, munchkip, Tom, CurseWord, Eskimo Joe, FearKiller, Flash, Jab and many others. The names above are a small portion or the people he helped daily.

I just want to say that he was a great guy and we would have daily conversations about coding, programming and basketball and he will truly be missed.

From the New Haven NCSY Chapter

Avi at the HHNE Fall Retreat

Avi last spring at the Hebrew Academy. Photo by Nina Lichtenstein

From Rabbi Rafi Rank, President of the Rabbinical Assembly

Bonnie Peters, Social Studies Teacher

Last Words

Throughout the day on Wednesday, February 22, the PICU nurses at the Connecticut Children's Medical Center, Hartford, monitored Avi's neurological functions by (among other tests) asking him where he was, his age and his birthdate. The first several times, he correctly identified his location as "the hospital."

Later that day, however, he began insisting that he was at "HHNE," the Hebrew High School of New England. Unable to convince him that he was at the hospital, I finally challenged Avi by demanding, "If you are at HHNE, then where's your homework?!"

His response: "You know I don't do homework!"

Had I known while he was alive and in good health how advanced ("cutting edge" in the words of a co-owner of Digital Pandemic) a coder he was, I might have bugged Avi less about doing his science homework!

Fran and Nick Boiko, North Massapequa

Fran and Nick are the caretakers of Congregation Beth-El, North Massapequa, NY. They watched Avi grow from 1992 to 1997.

From Eli, Naomi and Uri Bilmes

Letter from Barbara, Jonathan, Eli, Naomi and Uri Bilmes

Click here for an article by Micha Berger of AishDas

Micha Berger of the AishDas Society writes poignant words about Avi's death and about the first yahrzeit* of four children killed in a fire in Teaneck, NJ. The oldest, too, was only 15.


*Anniversary of one's death according to the Jewish calendar.

From Tyler Berenson, Schoolmate

Dear Rabbi Lapidus,

The day I found out Avi had passed away, I wrote this in my livejournal. I read it in school on that Friday...


My Davenning Buddy...

I have a specified seat that I sit in 99% of the time every morning for school, in the morning, during davenning. Since freshman year, I've sat in the exact same row, in basically the same place. I started off on the far right, and I've been drifting about a person and a half's length to the left each year...

I never even noticed that until I started writing this... And I probably only noticed because I know the reason WHY I drifted.

A freshmen entered into our school, and sat at the far left of this row. He and I sat together, about a person's width apart, every single day in the morning...unless some old guy from the shul stole one of our spots.

He and I used the same siddur...

And now he's gone.

He was always there, looking over me during davenning. I'm a horrible davvener. Half the time I barely know where we are during the service. My freshman year I didn't even know HOW to davven. They don't really teach it at my school, because they assume you already learned it previously (which is a fair assessment.) I learned Shemoneh Esrei because Mr. Ra'anan would make me read it aloud a lot...but that's like all that was taught to me... So, I barely knew squat. I picked some of it up, and found myself content with barichu, shema, and shmoneh esrei... That was, until this year. Thank God we don't grade strife in HHNE...but the freshmen don't know that at first. A few days into school, Avi, a freshman with the chutzpa to speak up to a junior with words that could easily be misconstrued as condescending, said to me: "Hey, did you forget yishtabach?"...it wasn't condescending. It was Avi making sure I didn't overlook anything in my davenning.

A couple days later...: "Hey, did you say brachos at home?"...

I figured I'd say even more... I started saying Birkat HaTorah... and Avi commented: "Hey, you know you should say that standing?" with his Avi smile, that basically said: "Hey, you're silly"

Another time... the ark was openned, and I was all: "Vayehiii beeensoah ha'aron..." and when I finished, Avi was all: "Hey, I think you forgot Kail erech alpayim"... I didn't know what he was saying... so he was like: "Kail...you know... like not..." he made a slight hand motion, silenting not-uttering G-d's name and then said"...kail".

Before then I never even realized there was another paragraph there.

Honestly, without my friend, I'd still be lost in space during davenning. We even used the same siddur... the interlinear translation from artscroll. I felt so buff when I told Avi what page Hallel was on.


Avi was a friend and a mentor to me. Even when he was annoyed he'd carry along with a smile. And he made a conscious effort to work on himself... that's something most people don't give two seconds of their time.


I thank God for my drifting over to the left.

I thank God for having known and learned under Avi Lapidus.

Note from Rabbi Aaron Landes, Elkins Park, PA

Rabbi and Mrs. Landes happened to be in West Hartford visiting family during the day of Avi's Bar Mitzvah celebration.

DP Signature Line

At least a couple of Digital Pandemic users are including the following in their signature lines:

Avi "alapidus" Lapidus, 12/15/90 - 2/23/06 May you rest in peace, my friend.

To Avi on the Occasion of His Bar Mitzvah, From Me.

To Avi Lapidus on the occasion of his Bar Mitzvah:

Two verses in this morning’s sedra express my three wishes for you:
“Could we find a man like him, in whom is the spirit of God?”

“After God has made all this known to you...
...there is none as discerning and wise as you.”

Here are Pharaoh’s three descriptions of Yosef [Joseph]:
Ru'akh E-lohim - The “spirit of God,”
Navon - “discerning,” and
Ha-kham - “wise,”
are my three wishes for you. But what do these three qualities mean?

I turn to the comments of Rabbi Shmuel ben Meir, the Rashbam, one of Rashi’s grandsons. The Rashbam explains “spirit of God” to apply not only to Yosef’s ability to interpret dreams, but to something more important: the “wisdom of derekh eretz.” I understand Rashbam to mean “practical wisdom” or the “wisdom of the ways of the land.” He can also mean the “wisdom of proper manners or behavior.”

Avi, you don’t have to grow up knowing how to interpret dreams, but let those who are impressed with your synagogue skills, intelligence and sense of humor come to be impressed as well with your “wisdom of derekh eretz.” You’ve acquired a deep love of Judaism and mitzvot. The “wisdom of derekh eretz” requires you to share your Jewish knowledge with others humbly and respectfully.

My first wish for you, Avi:
When people see you with your kippah ["skullcap"] and tzitzit ["fringes": see Numbers 15:37-41], let them also see that you are a mensch, one with the “wisdom of derekh eretz,” one who is respectful to his parents, his teachers and his friends.

Rashbam explains the word navon, "discerning,” as understanding the future and seeing the consequences of one’s actions. Yosef understood his future, the future of his family, and the future of his adopted country, Egypt, when he planned years ahead for the seven years of famine, instead of simply living for the present.

My second wish for you, Avi, is for you to understand your future and to make good plans for it, just as Yosef did. Yosef did not get to fully enjoy adulthood until he was 30-years-old. On top of that, he had seven years to prepare for the coming famine. Hopefully, Avi, you won’t have to wait until you are thirty. Maybe the five short years between now and your 18th birthday seem like too long a time for you. But please use these years well. Your time in school, shul and home are preparation for your future. This leads to my third wish.

Rashbam describes Pharaoh’s third description of Yosef, Ha-kham - “wise” - as one who gathers wisdom from what he sees and hears.

Avi, you are lucky to remain surrounded by people from whom you can see good deeds and hear good lessons. You led services so well on Thursday morning, not because of a pre-bar mitzvah crash course of the type I used to give, but because you saw and heard your excellent teachers at the Solomon Schechter school and the Hebrew Academy. Even more important, you are a regular shul attendee, where you see the rituals and hear the melodies of prayer. We took pride in seeing you in your new tefillin and in hearing you lead services.

My third wish for you, Avi, is that you keep your eyes and ears open to the wisdom that the adults in your life - including Mom and I, Rabbi Adler, Rabbi Loiterman and your Jewish and secular studies teachers - want to impart to you. [Extemporaneous remarks followed.]

Avi's Bar Mitzvah D'var Torah: Mikeitz, 12/27/2003

[Explanatory notes: "d'var Torah" means "a word of Torah," such as a sermonette. "Mikeitz" is the first key word in Hebrew of the week's Torah reading, Genesis 41:1-44:17.]

(Delivered at Beth David Synagogue, West Hartford, CT.)

Shabbat Shalom. This morning, we read from two Torah scrolls. From the first we read our weekly parashah. From the second we read a special maftir in celebration of the last day of Chanukah.

Our parshah today is Mikeitz, and as the story opens we find Pharaoh troubled by two vivid dreams that he has in one night. The first dream starts off with a vision of seven fat and healthy cows standing by the Nile River. Then, seven lean, rotten-looking cows come and eat the good cows. The vision startled Pharaoh; he woke up and then went back to sleep, only to have a second dream about seven healthy ears of grain about to be engulfed by seven spoiled ears of grain. Joseph, who had been in prison for twelve years, was called upon to interpret the dreams. Joseph’s capacity to understand dreams had already been proven by his accurate explanations of the dreams of his cellmates in prison. At the sight of Pharaoh’s distress, the wine butler recalled the day that Joseph foretold of his impending freedom. Joseph was summoned from the pit, cleaned up and dressed up, and brought into the royal chambers. He proclaimed that the dreams envisioned that there would be seven years of plenty in Egypt, and seven years of famine in all of the land after that.

Rashi says that there is another true interpretation to Pharaoh’s dream, one not mentioned in the Torah. This Rashi is commenting on chapter 41, verse 8: “And it was in the morning, and his spirit was troubled, so he sent and called all of the magicians of Egypt, and all its sages, and Pharaoh told them the dreams; but they did not have an interpretation for Pharaoh.” What does it mean, “for Pharaoh?” Rashi says it means that there had been a correct interpretation, but Pharaoh was not satisfied with it. His magicians had told him that the dreams were talking to the destinies of seven daughters, all of whom Pharaoh would outlive. This eventually did come to pass. From here we see that there were two interpretations to Pharaoh’s dream, and both were accurate.

But Rashi’s answer leads to many questions. How could there be two completely different interpretations to one statement? Why was Pharaoh not satisfied with the necromancers’ answers? Why did the magicians not mention the famine? Why did Pharaoh believe Joseph, the prisoner, the slave, the young man, the Hebrew?

In seeking an answer to these questions, we can highlight the essence of proper Torah study. The Torah is not studied in one dimension. It is interpreted in four levels: peshat, remez, derash, and sod. Their initial letters spell “pardes.” Peshat is the basic understanding of Biblical text. Remez is the next level down through which the hints of deeper understanding can be extracted. Derash is yet a deeper level at which Talmudic and Rabbinic Judaism find their vibrancy. Sod, the deepest level, goes to the roots of spiritual knowledge. It is hidden from all except the most learned of scholars. As a word, “pardes” can mean orchard; yet in Torah study, it refers to the harvesting of knowledge that can be the result of sincere reflection and consideration. So too here, this one idea contains two different answers. Their being different did not make one exclusive of the other. The Egyptian advisors came forth from their perspectives, while Joseph brought a different way of thinking to the same issue.

Pharaoh did not accept the “seven daughters” interpretation and accepted Joseph’s answer because of timeliness. His personal cook had recommended Joseph when Pharaoh was in desperation. Could it be that among the prisoners, among the Hebrews, there would be a man of such wisdom? Pharaoh acknowledged that Joseph was also under stress as well. This was Joseph’s chance to escape from jail, to live a better life, to live the life of a king. This added to the reason of why Pharaoh accepted Joseph.

But that is not the only reason why Pharaoh was eager to heed to his words. Joseph was convincing to Pharaoh. He played into Pharaoh’s book. Joseph entered into Pharaoh’s throne saying, “God will answer you.” He had said that to please Pharaoh. He explained everything to Pharaoh. He explained what the dream meant. He answered why the dream had occurred twice. He proposed a plan that would greaten Pharaoh’s name. Joseph told Pharaoh that he should store all of the food for now. Then, during the famine, the whole world would come to him and sacrifice all of their riches for food. Then Pharaoh would be the wealthiest man in the world.

The magicians did not receive the interpretation because, according to the Tosafos (a school of scholars that lived about eight-hundred years ago), the angel that narrated the dream spoke in Hebrew. Since the dream was performed in Hebrew, the angel that narrated the dream spoke in Hebrew. The Tosafos explained that since the Egyptian necromancers did not understand the truth of the Hebrew dream, as they do not speak Hebrew.

The Maharal of Prague, in his supercommentary on Rashi, which he entitled Gur Aryeh, explains why Pharaoh was not satisfied with the magicians’ interpretation. He explains that Pharaoh’s spirit was troubled because he did not understand his dream. After the magicians gave their interpretations, Pharaoh’s spirit was still troubled. So he realized that the interpretations of the magicians were not the real, or possibly not the only message. Tosafos also gives an answer that since Pharaoh dreamed his dream with its interpretation and then forgot its interpretation; he had to be reminded of it and was only satisfied with the interpretation he had seen in his dream.

I would like to thank my Mom for guarding me and taking care of me my entire life. I would like to thank my Abba for helping me prepare for his love and for helping me prepare for my bar mitzvah ceremony, and for working for me in the house and at his business. My Abba taught me the Torah reading, the haftorah, and the davening. I would like to thank Menachem for bringing me closer to Yiddishkeit and Chana for keeping me busy when there’s nothing to do. I would like to thank Rabbi Adler for all his help involved in my Bar Mitvzah. I would also like to thank my friends and relatives who were able to join me in this simcha. Especially, that my Bubbe came from Chicago to be with me as she did thirteen years ago. I wish my Zaide could be here, but he is not well enough to travel.

Years ago, the Syrian Greeks tried to take away our pardes, our paradise. They tried to take away our Temple; they tried to take away our laws; they tried to take away our religion. On this very day, we commemorate how we conquered the yevanim and took back our paradise. We pray that one day, moshiach will come and return us to our paradise once more. Shabbat Shalom and Chag Sameach!

Note From Chris Porreca of DP

March 3, 2006

My name is Christopher Porreca. Your son was working for me on our website, digitalipandemic.com. I am "kaok", one of the two owners of Digital Pandemic. Your son was my friend.

Avi was an amazing person, very kind and very smart. He was gifted beyond words in the computer field and did things that I, with 14 years of computer expertise, could not have done. It is with a sad heart and tears running down my face that I heard this news regarding his death. I only hope that your family is well supported to deal with such a tremendous loss. If you have any questions about alapidus' online activities, or wish to chat about our orginization, please don't hesitate to call me...

I will be putting together a CD with alapidus' work. If you could send me your address I would appreciate it.

I look forward to hearing from you, and am with you in my prayers.

- Christopher Porreca

Tribute From Robert Walczak of DP

March 2, 2006

Dear Mr. Lapidus,

I'm the owner of DigitalPandemic.com, your son used to work for me. First, let me say how sorry I am that such a young, bright and kind person is no longer with us. Since you weren't aware of everything he did I felt I needed to tell you about all that your son accomplished for my site. Your son worked for me as a coder, designing many features of my site by himself. He was amazingly talented. He was more knowledgeable then people twice his age when it came to his work. One of my staff members will be sending you a CD of his work soon, so you can see all the great things he did. Your son helped everyone on my site in so many ways.

Whenever anyone had a problem they would come to your son, who would gladly help them out right then and there. He never asked for anything in return, seeing what he had done to help others was his reward. He was a great person outside the setting of the web site as well. He and I talked frequently, although it still seems like not enough. Many of my users knew your son even better than I and I'm sure they will be writing to you. There isn't a single person on my site that was more universally liked than your son. I, along with the admins of a few other sites I'm associated with, would like to donate to a charity in his memory. I was wondering if you could provide me with the name of the charity that you think your son would have most wanted us to donate to. In instances such as this my site and the aforementioned other sites have donated time, blood, and money to many causes, but none so close to us as this. Your son meant a lot to all of us and will be sorely missed. He brought joy to thousands of people on several websites, and was a great person that I wish I knew better. If there is anything you would like to know about your son's work please feel free to email me, or call me at 443-365-0060. You, your family and your son are in the thoughts and prayers of everyone at my site.


Sincerely,
Robert Walczak
"Thrawn147" on Digital Pandemic

A Poem for Avi Lapidus

A poem for Avi Lapidus
by Nina Lichtenstein and read by Rabbi Yitzchok Adler at Avi's service.

And it will be…

Avi was here, among us and quiet,
A shy smile, a twinkle in his eye, a gentle hello.
A mouth full of braces reminding us
of all the changes that were to be.
A young man, a boy, a sweet neshama,
Connected to Hashem in so many ways.

Now he is gone, too soon, too sudden,
And we are left here, it is empty and dark,
Without the possibilities of life reaching full bloom.
Just know, dearest Avi, you were loved and adored,
even those of us who did not know you well,
will forever be blessed with the life that you shared.

And it will be, one day in the future,
when wars and hatred rule no more,
you will return and fill our world with special joy
once again, your neshama brings blessings
because Avi, you are a special boy.

Tribute from "Open Scripts"

Click the title above.

Avi had advanced programming skills for a person of any age, which gave him adminstrator's acess to a number of websites to enable him to improve the codes.

Mishnayot for Avi, culminating with a Siyyum.

Please click the title above for the Mishnayot Learning Program, sponsored by the Hebrew High School of New England. There will be a siyyum (concluding session of study) at Beth David Synagogue on Shabbat, March 25, 2006, which is the last day of sheloshim (30-day mourning period).

Cause of Death

Avi died of cerebral complications of diabetic ketoacidosis. He had never been diagnosed before as a diabetic. Type I Diabetes Mellitus did not run in our family.

In addition to excelling in his Judaic studies, Avi was a level 70 programmer and coder at a number of LUE and gaming sites.

8th Grade Photo