The Yahrzeit Approaches

Last Tuesday afternoon at Mincha, I completed my the nearly twelve-month Kaddish obligation for Avi. Unlike the the conclusions of my Kaddish obligations for my parents, I did not feel a sense of relief. This Monday night and Tuesday will be his first yahrzeit. Now, instead of counting birthdays, we are counting yahrzeits.

It still seems as if Avi died only last week as my memories of his final days remain vivid. Yesterday was the Torah portion of Yitro, which contains the "Ten Commandments." A year ago, that was the last Torah portion that Avi was alive for and heard. He sat to my left last year, following the reading in his Exodus volume of his Miqra'ot Gedolot commentaries. I brought that volume with me to synagogue yesterday.

Susie and I sponsored yesterday's Se'udah Sheleesheet, the Third Traditional Meal of Shabbat, at the synagogue. At my suggestion, Rabbi Adler read Avi's last d'var torah, which was about Yitro. I left the room just before the rabbi began to read it, because I wanted my reactions to remain private and not distract from Avi's words. I sat in the next room, so I was able to hear that the meal attendees were moved by the devar torah.

After Shabbat, I removed the tallit that had draped Avi's pew for the past twelve months. I don't Avi next to me. Now, I won't even have the tallit.