Zichron Avraham Yehudah

Sixth Yahrzeit

2012-02-16T09:55:00.000-05:00

This Shabbat will be Avi's sixth yahrzeit, which we'll observe at Beth David Synagogue. Everyone in attendance will know about it, but I wonder how many will actually mention Avi's name and share memories, versus how many will feel too awkward? Silence is painful.

The Fifth Night of Chanuka, 21 Years Later

2011-12-24T17:56:00.004-05:00

On the fifth night of Chanuka 21 years ago, Avi came into this world on a Saturday night. This past Shabbat morning, I continued my tradition of taking over the chanting of Avi's bar mitzvah sedra eight years ago, Mikketz, the story of Joseph's rise to power in Egypt.

I couldn't help but keep back tears when I reached the verse containing the words, כִּי-אָחִיו מֵת--"because his brother is dead." (Gen 42:38) Jacob gets his son back. I don't get mine.

Avi would have been 21 today, December 15.

2011-12-15T23:51:00.002-05:00

Avi's last birthday party, December 15, 2005.

Offir Ben-Naim Receives Avi Lapidus Memorial Award

2011-06-16T14:04:00.003-04:00

From the West Hartford Patch:

“HHNE teachers take their students’ growth personally,” said Offir Ben-Naim, who was the recipient of the Avi Lapidus Memorial Scholarship Award for his commitment to Judaism and love of technology. (Avi Lapidus was a freshman at the school when the West Hartford teen died ... in 2006.) Ben-Naim said he has learned that “by going above and beyond what is expected, you can accomplish great things,” and went on to give examples of ways the faculty at HHNE go beyond the call of duty: meeting students at Starbucks for study groups; making themselves available by phone, or inviting students over for Sabbath dinner on Friday nights.

Prof. Miki Neumann (1946-2011), who had dedicated his 2006 Shavu'ot study to Avi.

2011-04-23T21:50:00.009-04:00

Miki Neumann, chairman of the UConn math department, died suddenly and prematurely on Thursday morning, April 21.

As the volunteer ritual director of Beth David Synagogue, it was Miki who assigned Avi to lead services on Shabbat mornings and Saturday evenings, including Avi's very last time at the amud (lectern) on February 18, 2006.

Among numerous other accomplishments, Miki held a doctorate in computer science. Who knows: perhaps that is the direction that Avi would have headed in?

On the first Tikkun Leil Shavu'ot after Avi's death, Miki dedicated his presentation to Avi. Please click the title above for the text of the dedication.

Avi's php tips

2011-04-15T15:17:00.001-04:00

Just click the title of this post. (Repost with revised URL. Original was published in 2009.)

Five years ago today

2011-02-23T10:10:00.001-05:00

This blog's initial post.

Mishna Study Today in Memory of Avi

2011-01-30T10:54:00.003-05:00

Mishna Daily - Sunday, 1/30/2011

Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:14 AM

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Today's Mishnayos learning should be L'iluy Nishmas Avraham Yehuda ben Yoel Shalom.
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Today's Mishnayos
Mesechtas Demai
Perek 4, Mishna 4,5,6
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ד,ד מי שקרא שם לתרומת מעשר של דמאי, או למעשר עני של ודאי--לא ייטלם בשבת. אם היה כוהן או עני למודים לאכול אצלו--יבואו ויאכלו, ובלבד שיודיעם

ד,ה האומר למי שאינו נאמן על המעשרות, קח לי ממי שהוא נאמן וממי שהוא מעשר--אינו נאמן; מאיש פלוני, הרי זה נאמן. הלך ליקח לו ממנו, אמר לו לא מצאתיו ולקחתי לך מאחר שהוא נאמן--אינו נאמן

ד,ו הנכנס לעיר ואינו מכיר אדם שם, ואמר, מי כאן נאמן, ומי כאן מעשר, אמר לו אחד, אני--אינו נאמן; איש פלוני, הרי זה נאמן. הלך ולקח ממנו, אמר לו, מי כאן מוכר ישן, אמר לו, מי ששלחך אצלי--אף על פי שהן כגומלין זה את זה, הרי אלו נאמנין

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Tonight, 25 Shevat, begins the 5th Yahrzeit

2011-01-29T20:43:00.005-05:00

This afternoon on the eve of Avi's fifth yahrzeit, I gave a devar torah at seudah sh'lisheet. These are the approximate words:

We just read Terumah. Avi was scheduled to layn Terumah at the Hebrew HS of New England 5 years ago after the Presidents’ Week break. That was not to be.

When he was twelve, Avi had spotted and perused in the Gibeley’s home an English translation of the 15^th century commentary of Rabbi Ovadiah Sforno. When his bar mitzvah came, Avi received his own copy of that sefer from the Gibeleys.

Terumah has passage that about the commandment to fashion a golden menorah (Exodus 25:31-37. It was to be placed in the Mishkan and, later, in the Temple in Jerusalem.

I chose this passage because Avi’s lengthy bar mitzvah portion on the 8^th day of Chanuka in Sefer Bamidbar concludes with the commandments on the placement and lighting of the seven wicks. I will use Rabbi Sforno’s commentary on Terumah, which refers to one of the menorah verses in the Chanuka reading.

וְעָשִׂיתָ מְנוֹרַת זָהָב טָהוֹר

פסוק לא
וְעָשִׂיתָ מְנרַת זָהָב טָהור כֻּלָּהּ. אַחַר סִדּוּר שְׁנֵי הַכְּתָרִים, וְהֵם כֶּתֶר תּורָה בָּאָרון וְכֶתֶר מַלְכוּת בַּשֻּׁלְחָן, סִדֵּר עִנְיַן מְנורָה, מִקְשָׁה אַחַת, וְאור נֵרותֶיהָ אֶחָד, כְּאָמְרו,

...

פסוק לז

וְהֵאִיר עַל עֵבֶר פָּנֶיהָ…

וְזֶה שֶׁיִּהְיֶה אור נֵרות הַיָּמִין וְנֵרות הַשְּׂמאל מְכֻוָּן אֶל הָאֶמְצָעִי. וְכֵן רָאוּי שֶׁיִּהְיֶה עִנְיַן הָאור הַשִּׂכְלִי בַּחֵלֶק הָעִיּוּנִי וְגַם כֵּן אורו בַּחֵלֶק הַמַּעֲשִׂי, שֶׁיִּהְיוּ פונִים אֶל הָאור הָעֶלְיון לְעָבְדו שְׁכֶם אֶחָד, כִּי אָז יָאִירוּ כֻלָּם, כְּמו שֶׁיָּעַד בַּמְּנורָה בְּאָמְרו "בְּהַעֲלתְךָ אֶת הַנֵּרות, אֶל מוּל פְּנֵי הַמְּנורָה יָאִירוּ שִׁבְעַת הַנֵּרות.. וְזֶה מַעֲשֵׂה הַמְּנרָה מִקְשָׁה" (במדבר ח, ב ד), כִּי בִּהְיות כָּל הָאור מְכֻוָּן לְאֶחָד בְּעִנְיַן הַמִּקְשָׁה הַמּורֶה אַחְדוּת, אָז נִרְאֶה אור כִּי יָהֵל מִן הַמָּאור הַגָּדול.

My translation with interpolations:

After God had arranged for the Crown of Torah to be placed in the Ark and the Crown of Kingship to be placed on the Shulchan (table), He arranged for a menorah to be made from pure gold and that the light of all the wicks should combine into one light, as the Torah states in verses 31 and 37:

“All of it shall be from one piece…to give off light over against it (the center lamp).”

Rabbi Sforno explains that the wicks on the right side of the menorah and the wicks on the left side should all be directed towards the wick at the center. It’s proper that this be so, because the lights on one side represent the intellectual part of the Torah, and the lights on the other side represent the performance of practical mitzvoth. They all point towards the Divine Light at the center to serve Him of one accord, because then, all will combine and illuminate together, just as it specifies in Sefer Bamidbar: “When you light the lamps, the seven lamps shall give light over against the central lamp…And this is the work of the menorah, it should be fashioned out of one piece…”

When all the light is directed to just one--just as there was just one slab of gold to teach us the lesson of unity—then the lights will be seen as shining from one great light.

The translator of Avi’s book explains: “The central theme of the menorah is unity—the unity of Israel and…of God… By bending the wicks…to the center, which represents the Divine light, we are taught that all segments of Israel and all areas of Torah are to be united together and directed to a common purpose… [T]he light of Torah and of Israel shall shine forth, emanating from the one great source of light – Almighty God.”

Avi was like the menorah, absorbing light from his Torah and rabbinic studies, and sharing light with his classmates, showing them how to perform mitzvoth such as tefilla. (I expanded on this extemporaneously)

Paper on William T. Sherman

2011-01-18T19:38:00.001-05:00

We came across this 2004 homework assignment about the general.

Avi would have been 20 years old today.

2010-12-15T08:14:00.002-05:00

Avi's 15th--and last--birthday celebration.

The Fifth Candle

2010-12-05T17:07:00.001-05:00

Tonight is the 29th of Kislev, the fifth night of Chanuka, and Avi's twentieth Hebrew birthday.

2010-12-04T19:30:00.002-05:00

This morning for the fifth year, I read Avi's bar mitzvah portion, Miketz, in his memory.
Most everybody knew why I was layning, but no one said anything.

Again, the unlit menorah

2010-12-02T20:23:00.004-05:00

Last night was the start of Chanukah. Once again, we displayed Avi's menorah next to our own. As in previous years and for the rest of Chanukah, Avi's menorah will contain the correct number of candles for each night.

Like the four previous years, they will remain unlit.

Avi's Nephew

2010-12-02T20:16:00.004-05:00

My three-year-old grandson, Aharon Yosef, last weekend saw an old photo taken in the early 1990s showing his father, me, and my father who was holding Avi. AY wanted to know who the four in the picture were. I named them, including "Uncle Avi" without elaborating and without AY asking additional questions. Some day he will ask.

What not to do.

2010-08-18T13:31:00.002-04:00

A recent death prompts this thought: a shiva call is not the time to pump the bereaved for information on the cause of death of their loved one. If the mourner volunteers the circumstances, fine. Otherwise, it's no one's business.

I did not find it helpful when well-meaning people dropped in on the same day that Avi had died seeking details. It's natural for one to want to know details about premature deaths, but the temptation needs to be resisted.

I especially resented on the first night of our shiva for Avi the visit of one gentleman who seemed to have something other than consoling us on his mind. He was there only to satisfy his curiosity. He should have been thrown out.

Also, I have no patience for rumor-mongers, who speculate and then spread false theories about how a person died. I had heard one such foolish rumor not too long ago. I reacted in no uncertain terms.

The HHNE graduating class...

2010-06-09T00:49:00.003-04:00

...is the first one that did not attend school at the same time as Avi. I'm wondering how to keep his memory and ma'asim tovim (good deeds) alive at HHNE besides on his yahrzeit and during commencement.

4th annual HHNE Avi Lapidus Memorial Award...

2010-06-09T00:34:00.004-04:00

...was given last evening during the graduation ceremony to Hillel Adler.

Here is a description of the award. Incidentally, the last pair of tefillin that Avi wore at his last minyan on his last Sunday was Hillel's. Both were lefties. (Avi of course had his own set, which was not available that day.)

Internet Security

2010-04-25T16:22:00.002-04:00

Avi was becoming an expert at enhancing Internet security, having upgraded the security of three gaming-networking sites and one Jewish bulletin board.

I can't know to what extent he would have got involved with Facebook or what he would have made of so many of his friends and contemporaries getting duped by fake "friends," conjured up by scammers to access personal information.

I was solicited last week by a fake profile and noticed that a close relative was among those taken in. I spent the past few days warning other victims and I could not help but notice the number of those who were born in 1990 and 1991.

Passover 2010

2010-04-25T16:14:00.002-04:00

As has become our custom since Passover 2006, we had two special cups on our seder table.

The first was the traditional Cup of Elijah, filled with wine after the meal but from which nobody drank.

The second was Avi's kiddush cup for Pesach, which remained empty and from which nobody drank.

The tradition is that Elijah will return.
The reality is that Avi won't.

Yahrzeit Minyan at HHNE

2010-02-10T22:36:00.005-05:00

I led services Tuesday morning at Avi's last school to mark his yahrzeit. All those who were HHNE students when Avi died have since graduated and leading lives of their own. There are still a few who knew Avi from the Hebrew Academy and Beth David Synagogue.

Morning services at HHNE have improved considerably since Avi's time, and he would have appreciated the improved atmosphere. The students are now divided into different minyanim (prayer groups) according to their knowledge and commitment. While he would have been with other advanced students, Avi would have missed the opportunity to help and influence those who were less familiar with the prayers.

I remembered where Avi was the very last time that we were together at HHNE, when he saw me marking my mother's yahrzeit.

That was less than three weeks before I had to start reciting Kaddish for him.

Avi's Fourth Yahrzeit, Monday Evening, February 8

2010-02-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

My memories of Avi's final hours remain and shall continue to remain as fresh as they were four years ago.

Another Promising Young Man

2010-01-12T21:12:00.001-05:00

A promising young man, 16, was killed yesterday in a school bus crash. The story is linked above.

Another gifted teenager, whose family had no reason to think that he would not return safely. And out of all the people on the bus, he was the unlucky victim.

Naturally, this story is a trigger for me, just as the newly-grieving family will experience triggers of their own in years to come.

My experience as a bereaved parent can give me only a little more insight into the bottomless pit into which the family was thrown. No words of condolence are adequate.

Avi's memorial blog provides a means for sharing and opportunities for other bereaved parents to connect with me and to allow me to bring my experiences as a rabbi and counselor to them.

UPDATE:
I read in the paper today that his family had not known that her son was number one in his class. They will learn more good things that may surprise them. Such was the case with my son, as I recounted here back in 2006.

Bar Mitzvah on the Eigth Day of Hanuka

2009-12-19T19:23:00.002-05:00

This past Shabbat was the sixth anniversary ov Avi's bar mitzvah celebration. The final day of Hanuka fell on Shabbat, meaning that Saturday's Torah and haftarah (reading from the Prophets) portions were the same as those chanted by Avi. You may recall from earlier posts that Avi chanted his Torah portion for the next two years, and that I took them over for the two years following his death.

Today, I chanted two sections. Like last year and the year before, I was moved by the verse in which Jacob refuses to let his youngest son, Benjamin, go down to Egypt because his full brother, Joseph, was dead, leaving Benjamin as the only son of Rachel. Jacob and I shared the same intense grief of a father who had lost a son. The difference, of course, was that Jacob got to see Joseph alive again after many years.

This morning, a new bar mitzvah boy, chanted part of the reading. Avi would have been pleased by the Hebrew Academy student's layning and by his leading the entire morning services.
I am encouraging the young man (without mentioning the reason) to layn in the future all the Torah portions that Avi would still have been chanting.

Through my layning, I memorialized Avi. I can't think of a better way, however, to perpetuate Avi's legacy than to have other b'nai mitzvah follow his example.

The Fifth Candle

2009-12-15T17:09:00.004-05:00

Avi was born the fifth night of Hanuka, 29 Kislev, in Elmira, NY.

As has been our custom, we take out Avi's hanukiya (menorah) each night of the holiday, we put in the candles, but they remain unlit.

After we lit candles from our own hanukiya, Susie and I watched the video of Avi's third grade Solomon Schechter class performing Hanuka songs on NBC30 TV, which was part of an interfaith discussion program that included Rabbi Adler.

19

2009-12-15T00:58:00.002-05:00

Avi would have turned 19 this coming evening, December 15, the fifth night of Hanuka, according to both the Hebrew and secular calendars.

Avi at the Hebrew Academy Science Fair 2003

2009-12-07T20:32:00.005-05:00

Ben Perlsweig sent us these photos of Avi, Michael Freilich, Ben and their teacher, Dr. Emily Buch, from the spring of 2003.

Rabbi William Cohen, z"l, together again

2009-11-09T20:28:00.003-05:00

The rabbi emeritus of Beth David Synagogue, Rabbi William Cohen, died this past Shabbat, a few weeks short of his 90th birthday. He was buried today near where Avi is buried. They are now together again, about the same distance that they were at Beth David.

Rabbi Cohen knew Avi, who sat almost directly below Rabbi Cohen's seat each Shabbat. Even months after Avi's death, Rabbi Cohen could not talk about him without having to suppress a tear.

At the conclusion of the internment, I spotted a few people stopping by to view Avi's headstone. I kept my distance to allow them to reflect undistracted by my presence.

Whenever I visit the cemetery for Avi, I also stop by Mo Handler's grave. Mo was a gabbai and daily attendee who had first met the ten-year-old Avi in 2000, and celebrated Avi's bar mitzvah in 2003. Mo, a nonagenerian, died a half a year after Avi.

From now on, I'll be including Rabbi Cohen in my visits. Avi was separated from Mr. Handler and Rabbi Cohen by 75 years. They are separated no more.

The Jewish holy days came...

2009-10-15T19:37:00.002-04:00

...and went.

Susie and I did get to spend the first two days of Succot in Far Rockaway with Avi's two nephews and their parents. Life goes on, and Avi doesn't.

Had he survived...

2009-10-15T19:25:00.002-04:00

...Avi would have been uninsurable as a Type I diabetic. Avi cannot be helped by health care reform, but surviving diabetics and all others with pre-existing conditions will be.

Message from Rabbi Loew 2009

2009-07-22T16:08:00.003-04:00

The HHNE 2009 Senior Class Yearbook

2009-06-18T13:31:00.023-04:00

We Dedicate Our Yearbook to the Memory of Avi Lapidus z"l

Michael Freilich, Avi's classmate, delivered a special copy of
Fusion, HHNE's 2009 yearbook. The senior class dedicated
Fusion in Avi's memory and each senior wrote a note to us on
the inside covers.

The Graduation

2009-06-15T22:54:00.002-04:00

Susie and I just got back from the HHNE graduation over an hour ago.

I was determined not to "rain on the parade" — literally as well as figuratively — so as not to draw too much attention away from the joys of the students and their parents. I knew that Avi would have his time.

But as soon as the graduates began their processional, dressed in their maroon graduation gowns, I shed a few tears and held back the rest. I saw how tall the students got as I imagined how Avi would have fit in.

Avi's name was mentioned on no fewer than three occasions. The first was in classmate Alex Gershman's remarks, who recalled how the class had pulled together after Avi's death to support us.

The second was the presentation of the Avi Lapidus Memorial Scholarship. This year, there was nobody involved with computer technology, so the award was given to recognize active participation in tefillot – prayer – through leading services at synagogue and at school. More than one student was deserving. The winner was Avi's old friend from all the way back in elementary school at Solomon Schechter, Ben Perlsweig.

The third was the dedication of the HHNE Yearbook to Avi. Shoshana Taube and her co-editors remembered Avi's kindness, his dedication to the mitzvot, and his eagerness to help others in Jewish observance.

I wanted to greet and thank each of the graduates quietly without a mass of people after the recessional, so I hurried out to the lobby. It was nice to talk to each classmate individually.

Frankly, I don't know whether Avi in fact would have graduated HHNE. He had thought of going to a yeshiva, where he would also have had more space for his advanced computer studies, without parents and teachers bugging him about homework!

But in the end, Avi died believing that he was at class at HHNE.

Avi's HHNE Class Graduates Tonight

2009-06-15T18:19:00.003-04:00

We plan to attend the ceremony to support his classmates as they move onward and because of the awarding of the third Avi Lapidus Memorial Prize. It won't be easy.

The Second Half of Yesterday's Torah Portion...

2009-06-07T21:35:00.002-04:00

...Naso, Numbers 4:21-7:89, would have been chanted in the morning by Avi at the synagogue. It contains the readings chanted during Chanuka.

As is now the family tradition, I was the stand-in.

In the late afternoon yesterday, Susie spotted a nice-sized group of teenage boys arriving for the Mincha service at Beth David. It was poignantly obvious to her who would have been among them.

While exploring an old user profile on Avi's computer...

2009-05-17T11:40:00.004-04:00

...I came across applications and installation files that my class is currently covering in forensics and security, and that we will cover in Web design, including Knoppix, Virtual Machine, Linux and Ubuntu files, Dreamweaver installer. Avi had downloaded them in the weeks before his death. (He never installed Dreamweaver, which costs $200.)

He could have taught the classes!

I sadly and reluctantly deleted Avi's video files - Metroid, Sonic, Mario Bros. Zelda et al. - teen favorites that gave Avi an laternative to doing homework.

No sharing.

2009-05-10T15:55:00.004-04:00

Avi's computer now hosts my website jay.gotdns.com, using an updated version of the Apache server that he used.

I miss sharing with him info about servers, DNS, constructing web pages (which Avi was an expert at) and new web browsers-HTML editors, like Sea Monkey.

Chances are, you don't understand much of the this post, unless you too are into computers and the Internet. But not only would Avi have understood, he would have been far ahead of me (and reminding me of that!), showing me better ways of doing things. He would have enjoyed the latest innovations in technology.

Computer tech advances, Chana turns 20 on Tuesday, Avi has two nephews whom he'll never know. We go on; Avi remains frozen at age 15.

Another Passover

2009-04-08T15:02:00.001-04:00

Tonight begins Pesach and the first seder.

Avi's two nephews will be at our table with his brother and sister-in-law.

There will be two special wine cups on our table from which no one will drink.
One will be filled for Eliyahu haNavi.

The other will be Avi's Pesach kiddush cup, which will remain empty...

Isaac Benjamin and the Kotel Minyan

2009-04-08T14:51:00.002-04:00

Isaac Benjamin wrote back to us last month about the yahrzeit minyan that he had organized for Avi:

No matter how long it has been, I will always remember Avi as a great friend. Organizing a minyan was the least I could do. I just hope that others continue to keep his memory alive. I also have a strange feeling that Avi was there at the kotel that day. I hope to see you soon.

Minyan at the Kotel

2009-03-02T23:36:00.000-05:00

I just learned by email from Gabriella Feinberg, Avi's classmate, that she had heard that another schoolmate was attempting to organize a minyan at the Western Wall in Jerusalem for the yahrzeit.

I'll find out more.

UPDATE:

The minyan, organized by Isaac Benjamin, indeed took place. Avi Snyder and others whom Isaac was able to gather attended. Some attendees from a nearby bar mitzvah service of a Sigal Hebrew Academy student, including Rabbi Mordechai Weiss, prinicipal, joined in.

Dan Page Remembers

2009-03-02T21:12:00.003-05:00

Dan Page was Avi's English teacher at HHNE. Last week, he sent me an email with this recollection:

Just thought you'd appreciate knowing that I thought of Avi a lot yesterday.

It doesn't feel like three years and one day...

...the last time I saw Avi, he was hanging at the back of a group of students who wanted "goodbye" hugs before February break. He clearly wanted to be accepted within the group, but was a little unsure of our relationship, in that he had only recently joined the class. I extended my arm and embraced him, then, with my arm over his shoulder, steered him toward Mrs. Blitzer. Keeping my arm around him, I told Mrs. Blitzer in some detail the improvements Avi had made in my class, including excellent grades on a quiz and homework assignment. He was a little shy of this at first, but his face lit up when she praised his efforts and encouraged him to continue on that path to scholarship and to success. He looked like he finally was happy with his role as a student in the secular studies program.

Avi's copy of Julius Caesar remains on his shelf. He was reading it for Mr. Page's class.

Three Years

2009-02-18T22:58:00.002-05:00

Due to the timing of Maariv, I came late to my computer course.

After class, I shared with my instructor, an expert on computer security and networking, the story of Avi's computer and security prowess.

I wish I knew exactly how Avi had enhanced the security of four Web site bulletin boards, described in several posts on this blog in 2006. It would have been nice to share that information with my class.

I led Maariv this evening from the same spot at Beth David where Avi had led Maariv for the last time on the Saturday night before his death.

It's been three years and my memory of Avi's last days remains as strong as ever...

Avi's third yahrzeit begins Wednesday night, 2/18

2009-02-15T00:00:00.002-05:00

That's 25 Sh'vat. Just like three years ago, that date will occur on a Thursday.

Eighth Night of Hanuka

2008-12-28T19:43:00.003-05:00

As we had the previous two years, we displayed Avi's hanukia ("menorah") along with the two hanukias that we lit.

Once again, we set up the candles each night in Avi's hanukia.
Once again, the candles remained unlit.

Not a single person yesterday...

2008-12-28T19:11:00.002-05:00

...during or after Shabbat morning services mentioned Avi, even though most knew the reason for me chanting the Torah.

Congregants and staff were probably reluctant to talk about Avi, lest they upset Susan, Chana or me.

On the contrary, Susie and I would have welcomed remembrances of Avi.

I recognize that no one who was present yesterday has taken a pastoral counseling or CPE course, either of which would have provided some insights and supervised experience with grief counseling. Such courses are required of rabbinical students in the Reform, Conservative and Reconstructionist movements of Judaism. In the Orthodox world, some institutions like Yeshiva University and Chovevei Torah have requirements, but Haredi yeshivos generally do not.

Clergy who have not taken pastoral counseling o0r CPE are not only short-changing their congregants -- they are short-changing themselves.

The Fifth Night of Hanuka

2008-12-25T17:37:00.002-05:00

Tonight is Avi's Hebrew birthday.

Exactly five years ago this morning, we marked Avi's bar mitzvah.

Avi led Shacharit and read the special Chanuka reading from the Torah. Two days later, Shabbat, he chanted the weekly Torah portion, Mikketz, the portion for the final day of Chanuka, the haftarah for the second Shabbat of Chanuka, and Musaf.

As I have the previous two years, I will read Avi's Torah portion.

Avi knew enough to teach at my night school.

2008-12-15T19:32:00.003-05:00

I got a preview tonight of an upcoming course in Web design. Avi had HTML, the primary language of Web design, mastered; he could have taught the class.

He would have wizzed through as a student in the other courses, especially network security.

And, I bet that he even would have done his homework!

But...

What a waste...

Avi would have been 18 years old today.

2008-12-15T06:47:00.001-05:00

Rabbi Adler's Eulogy

2008-12-11T20:20:00.003-05:00

I noticed that the original link on the right to the eulogy no longer works. Rabbi Adler's eulogy is no longer among the Beth David website files. So, until I create a new link, I'm posting the text without the Hebrew here.

When Avi and his family celebrated his bar mitzvah, the parsha was Miketz; and it began with the words “And it was at the end of two years”. Today is another miketz in the saga of the Lapidus family and the spiritual journey of their beloved Avi; but today we translate the words as “it was at the end of too few years”.

The outpouring of love, affection and concern for Avi and his family is one that will be remembered long after the wounds of pain begin to heal. Every single one of us is here today with many more questions than answers, knowing that the answers will remain forever elusive; yet we are gathered as a community that has chosen to stick together, cry together and support one another.

Little did any of us ever think that we would live to experience the lesson taught several times over across the Talmud. It is the tragic story of a boy who was walking with his father among the trees. The father saw a nest with eggs and asked his son to climb carefully to retrieve the eggs. In the fulfillment of that one request, the boy was given the opportunity to fulfill two commandments for which the Torah provides the explicit rewards of arichut yamim and tovat yamim, length of days and goodness of days. One mitzvah was that of kibud av v’eim (honoring one’s parents), the other was shiluach hakan (shooing a mother bird away from her nest before snatching her eggs or her chicks). Before the boy could complete his tasks, he fell from the tree and expired on impact. When the rabbis came during Shiva to console the grieving parents, the father quoted the verses and demanded an explanation.

The rabbis replied that the goodness of days and the length of days was a reference to the world to come, Olam Habaah. Rightfully and emotionally, the father challenged the rabbis. My family’s pain is here and now, Olam Hazeh. Don’t preach to me about Olam Habaah. How do we console a family in our midst, a family we love, a family that has just experienced one of life’s worst nightmares?

Some people need 120 years to accomplish their work on earth, there are others who need very little time. Who could have known that Avi Lapidus was one of those gifted souls who could accomplish in fifteen years what others cannot accomplish in 120? He was his mother’s absent minded professor. On his face he always wore a smile; yet, one could never know for sure whether it was laughter or mischief that was dancing in his eyes. One thing was for sure, though. When he walked into shul on a Shabbat morning, he went around the sanctuary, smiling and wishing everyone a “Shabbat Shalom”.

His most precious possessions were his Kiddush cup, and the computer that he built from scratch. His personal website, that he was designing on his own, from scratch, will live on his computer as tesimony to his inquisitive sense of perseverance. He was the little brother who was determined to prove himself and earn his place. His place was right next to his father, every Shabbat they davened side-by-side. Avi enjoyed math and Judaic studies; and I knew that I was in for a “stump the rabbi” question when Avi would come to Friday night services with a volume of Talmud under his arm.

A requirement for every student at the Hebrew High School is to perform a certain number of community service hours every year. Avi’s favorite venue to volunteer was the Hebrew Home. It gave him a sense of purpose and he believed that his time was making positive differences in the lives of the residents.

His last outing before he got too sick to leave his home was to Sunday morning minyan to be the tenth man. There was a worshipper who needed to recite Kaddish; and even though Avi was already not feeling great, he came out to make that Kaddish possible. Now, it is the community’s responsibility to Avi to be there for him with kindness and holiness.

On the morning of Avi’s bar mitzvah, Jay addressed the congregation as he spoke to Avi. “Avi, you don’t have to grow up knowing how to interpret dreams; but let those who are impressed with your synagogue skills, intelligence and sense of humor come to be impressed as well with your ‘wisdom of derech eretz.” You’ve acquired a deep love of Judaism and mitzvot. The ‘wisdom of derech eretz’ requires you to share your Jewish knowledge with others humbly and respectfully.”

In his final act of humanity, Avi has indeed taught us with humility and dignity. He accepted his fate with submission and at peace. He has taught parents and children to hug a little tighter. He has taught all of us to value every day because we simply cannot know what tomorrow may bring. He leaves parents who begin a search for answers, a brother and sister who are mourners at much too young an age, grand parents who deserve better, a family that has rallied, school mates who did not realize until yesterday how much they loved him; and a community that has responded with strength and capacity that it might not otherwise have known that it had.

Avi has taught us well. His life is complete.
Tehi nishmato tzerurah bitzror hachayim.
May his soul be bound up in the bond of life eternal.

Due to Shabbat coming in a few hours, the family has requested that Shiva visitations not begin until Sunday. The minyan schedule for services will be - Sunday morning at 9:00am, and Monday through Thursday mornings at 7:15pm. Evening minyanim Sunday through Wednesday will be at 5:30pm. Beth David and the Hebrew High School are seekling volunteers who are willing to study mishnayot in Avi’s memory, with the goal of completing the Six Orders of Mishneh, Shisha Sidrei Mishneh, in conjunction with the conclusion of the Sheloshim perioid of mourning. Volunteers are asked to call me at my office or Rabbi Loew at HHNE.

Internment, immediately following the conclusion of this service, will be at the Beth David Memorial Park in Wethersfield.

Avi's Computer Lives On

2008-11-15T18:09:00.002-05:00

Maintaining Avi's computer, the one that he built when he was 14, remains a mission of mine. At the very least, I want to maintain its appearance.

Several months ago, the computer began intermittantly to fail to boot. The reason was not obvious as there were a number of possible causes.

It turned out that it needed a new hard drive, but Avi's motherboard did not support my first choice, a SATA-2, for technical reasons not readily apparent. Avi and I would have searched the Internet together to learn about the imcompatability.

I had several questions that I wish I could have asked him, including the location of his motherboard manual and the drivers disk. The former was easy enough to locate on the manufactuer's website. The latter, however, had the needed drivers for the motherboard, without which I could not install Windows XP Pro on the new hard drive or set up an ethernet connection to get on the Internet.

Thanks to my studies and software from instructors, I resolved the issues. Avi's computer savvy would have rivaled, if not surpassed, that of my instructors.

The computer became the family PC since Avi's death. I set up users accounts for each member of the family, including one labeled "Zichron Avi" (Avi Memorial), which has his Super Mario Brothers wallpaper. I plan to set up the rest of his desktop so that I can use Avi's links to computing, Internet and security resources as I progess in my studies.

We moved this month...

2008-09-28T18:46:00.002-04:00

...from Avi's last home to a smaller location in West Hartford.

Left behind are Avi's room and bed. His computer, the one he built, is now the main household computer, located in the master bedroom. My Computer Information Technology studies continue to give me new insights into Avi's hardware and Windows XP operating system. If only I had him to talk to and exchange information...

Avi's hutch, purchased not long before he died, stands in the dining room, with some of his books, pictures and artifacts, along with the letters written by his HHNE classmates during shiva.

This Rosh haShana, some of his friends are studying in Israel for their first year of college. His classmates are now seniors at HHNE, preparing for their futures and their own, separate ways.

Avi's baseball team, the Chicago Cubs, are headed for the playoffs with the best record in the NL, a joy that he cannot experience. I used to tease him about the Cubs, and he would give a comeback whenever the Yankees lost. I could hear him now, gloating at me in the glory of the Cubs...

Avi's Computer

2008-08-05T15:35:00.003-04:00

I had to redo the Windows registry last week. In the process, I created separate accounts. I kept one for Avi under his name.

A day or so later, I changed the name to Avi's Abba. I customized the icon by using Avi's "braces off" photo from 7/19/2005.

It took some time to search the Internet to find Avi's retro Super Mario Brothers wallpaper, but I located it and reinstalled it in his memory.

Rafael Patel Wins Avi Lapidus Memorial Award

2008-06-17T22:48:00.002-04:00

Mazel Tov to Rafi Patel, the second recipient of the Avi Lapidus Memorial Award at the HHNE commencement tonight.

"The Avi Lapidus Memorial Award recognizes a student who has demonstrated a passion for both Judaic Studies and Technology."

Susie and Chana attended the graduation. I arrived towards the end of the reception due to my class schedule, but I had the chance to congratulate Rafi personally, who plans to study in Israel for year.

I did quite well in my course work, but...

2008-06-13T18:37:00.000-04:00

...Avi, of course, would have been at the top of the class.

There's so much computer-talk that the two of us could have shared...

When I first entered the Branford Hall program, I did not disclose to my classmates anything about Avi and his death. I did not want my situation to color the other students' - all of whom are less than half my age - perceptions and relationships with me. Once we all became well enough acquainted, however, I no longer felt the need to not reveal.

Once during the first module, in answering an instructor's question, I mentioned that I had a computer at home built from scratch. I quickly added, "But not by me!" One classmate found that strange and interjected, "You had to mention that?!" He probably was thinking that I was just trying not to stand out.

Several weeks later, after I had repaired Avi's computer at school, I asked that same classmate to help me with the doors as I was taking the machine to my car. I then told him that there was a story behind that computer, and that I had had a reason for emphasizing that it was "not built by me."

When he learned about my younger son, he asked me whether I had chosen to enter the computer field because of Avi. I told him that that was not the case. Rather, my choice had to do with my own interests, which Avi then picked up on and ran with...

My Computer at Branford Hall.

2008-06-13T18:03:00.002-04:00

The school issues to each student a computer for classroom lab use and to take home upon graduation.

When I configured it with my name, I filled in the "Company" name header as well:
ZICHRON AVRAHAM YEHUDAH.

Not only did I add this blog among the "favorites" on my computer at school, I added it to one or two of the Branford Hall classroom computers. I'm sure no one will mind.

Finished the 2nd Module at Branford Hall...

2008-06-13T17:57:00.002-04:00

...where I am a Computer Information Technology student.

I practiced WindowsXP configuration on Avi's computer in preparation for my final exam and simply to make improvements.

Somehow, Avi knew how to auto-logon without going through the Welcome Screen or the classic logon.

You don't have to understand this tech talk. Suffice it to say that my instructor (who's exactly one year older than Menachem) and I had to look up on the Microsoft website how Avi had done it.

Avi's UserID and Wallpaper Maintained...

2008-06-13T17:53:00.002-04:00

...in his memory. I kept his Super Mario Brothers wallpaper; otherwise, I made changes in the desktop and some of the settings to reflect the reality of the computer's current use by those who survive.

Had to Repair Avi's Computer-Again

2008-06-13T17:51:00.001-04:00

The new video card was defective, and I installed a new one last week.
All is well...with the computer.

Avi's Computer Fixed!

2008-05-10T23:43:00.002-04:00

My schoolmates at Branford Hall diagnosed the problem: the video card needed to be replaced. I did so successfully last Thursday night.

Avi's computer is alive...even if he isn't.
So much we could have talked about...

While in my computer class, I found...

2008-04-09T20:30:00.002-04:00

...Avi's profile on Trap17 (click above).

I'm finally learning the computer terms and concepts that he had aleady known.

The Jerusalem Massacre

2008-03-08T19:27:00.003-05:00

Eight young Yeshiva students, some close to Avi's age, were murdered by an Arab terrorist in Jerusalem last Thursday. Nine others were wounded, including another 15-year-old.

I grieve for the murder victims and I pray for the recovery of the wounded and for the families of all the victims.

In Avi's name I made a donation to One Israel Fund.

Saving Avi's Computer

2008-03-08T19:09:00.002-05:00

I returned to school last January to get certification in computer information technology.

If only I knew three years ago what I know now! I could have provided Avi with guidance when he ran into problems in building his computer.

If only he knew about CompTIA A+ certification and the textbooks that I'm using: Avi would not have needed any guidance! He would have learned the material as quickly as he had masted php and other Web design technologies.

Avi's computer is in need of repair: either a new power supply or (gulp) a new motherboard. You don't have to understand the technical details to appreciate that I'm determined to keep Avi's computer alive as closely as possible to the way he had built it. That includes keeping the cutesy tower case that he purchased.

Avi and I would have had so much more to talk about regarding computers...

"RIP Avi Lapidus" Facebook Group

2008-02-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

Until yesterday, I was unaware of Michael Freilich's Facebook group in memory of Avi. It has over 300 members. You may access it by clicking above, but you have to join Facebook first.

Thank you, Michael.

Every Day is Like a Yahrzeit

2008-02-02T18:20:00.000-05:00

A number of friends and acquaintances contacted me over the last couple of days to express sympathy on the occasion of Avi's yahrzeit. They supposed that the time of the yahrzeit would be especially difficult.

Actually, every day has the feeling of a yahrzeit, a day that I went through like every other day, going about my business while never forgetting my son.

Eulogy by Isaac Benjamin at HHNE

2008-02-01T15:03:00.000-05:00

Isaac Benjamin, a senior, delivered a eulogy at a memorial service this morning at the Hebrew High School of New England.

It’s hard to believe that about half of you guys didn’t go to school with Avi. For me, two years ago seems like a month ago. I can still remember everything that happened over that week. I remember finding out he was sick. I didn’t really want to wake up at 6:30 that vacation morning because it couldn’t be that serious and I was soooo tired. But I think the thing I appreciate my mom the most for is her making me go to shacharit. I remember finding out that he had died that morning and I remember the funeral but the rest is a sad blur. Its really hard for me to think about it just because it brings out a lot of emotions that I don’t usually feel, but not a week goes by I don’t remember him in some way or another.

Many people remember Avi for his achievements. People recall how devoted and advanced of a Talmud chacham he was. I was his chavrusa in Rabbi Loew’s gemara class and I can tell you first hand, I’ve never met anyone my age who understood Torah and halacha so completely and loved yidishkeit so much. People are amazed at his computer skills. He built his own computer as a thirteen year old! Many people look up to him as a role model, but I look at him as something else. Avi and I were great friends. I think of the countless Shabbos afternoons I spent at the Lapidus’ house playing basketball in the backyard. I think of playing Simpson chess and losing every time and the many games of baseball monopoly that we played. Those who were close to him know that he had a sharp sense of humor. While they were not always the best teams, I have never met a more devoted cubs or bulls fan. A-lap, as we called him at The Spark, was our source for a last minute sports article or dvar torah that would always be well-written and ready to print.

In senior seminar with Rabbi Loew, the seniors are learning about Tzaddik Vra Lo – Why do bad things happen to good people? There’s no answer to why Hashem took Avi so early, but one thing that does help me at least cope is that Avi’s journey didn’t stop two years ago. His physical life may have come to an end but that’s only a fraction of his journey. He is in Olam Habah right now reaping the rewards of having lived such a genuinely pure and religious life on this level. Avi never called himself out, and because of this he’s underappreciated. I ask you to do one thing. Go to his father’s blog at zichronavi.blogspot and recognize him. He was a great person, greater than I can ever hope to be, and by going to the blog, you will realize just how unique he was. Right after Avi died, Michael Freilich created a Rip Avi Lapidus group on facebook. Within days, 400 people were members of this group commemorating someone that most of them did not know but sensed deserved to be remembered. I know I will always remember Avi and everything he taught me and I know his lasting legacy will not end.

After Isaac's remarks, Rabbi Daniel Loew, the principal, led the E-l Malei memorial prayer.

Message from Mr. Daniel Page...

2008-02-01T06:11:00.000-05:00

...Avi's English teacher:

It is very hard to believe that it has been two years since Avi left us. I still think of his bright eyes and slightly-devious smirk with great affection. It was only the other day, when I had a guest in my classroom that I remembered the time I had a parent auditing my class, and Avi, in an effort to demonstrate his improvement as a student of English, decided to respond to my Shakespeare question and then to proceed to discussion of the end of the act: material that had not yet been assigned. All of a sudden, he looked like my star pupil, and everyone else's confusion only served to underscore the profundity of his observation. There's no other way to say it: he looked damn pleased with himself.

I shall say a quiet prayer in his memory on Thursday, and one for your family. Loss is, sadly, one of those feelings which never goes away, but can only be faced with courage, love, and the memory of joys shared with the departed during our brief sojourn together.

Be well, Jay, and God Bless.

"Miqetz shenataim yamim..."

2008-01-31T06:03:00.000-05:00

"Miqetz shenataim yamim..."
"At the end of two years..." (Genesis 41:1)

The opening words of Avi's bar mitzvah sedra.
The opening words of Rabbi Adler's eulogy two years
ago.

The Hebrew anniversary of Avi's death will occur this
year on Thursday night, January 31 and continue
through Friday afternoon.

2nd Yahrzeit: February 1.

2008-01-27T06:20:00.000-05:00

The observance begins the evening of January 31.

CHAI Lifeline Half-Marathon

2008-01-08T20:53:00.000-05:00

Arielle Blum, a senior at HHNE, has undertaken an enormous challenge - running a half-marathon to raise Tzedaka for CHAI Lifeline. She has been training very hard in preparation for the race at the end of this month.

CHAI Lifeline is an international organization that provides year-round emotional, social, and financial support to more than 3,000 very sick children and their families every year. Through two-dozen free programs and services that touch each member of the family, CHAI Lifeline helps children with life-threatening and lifelong illnesses and their families live full and happy lives despite the presence of illness.

When Avi died almost two years ago, CHAI Lifeline provided tremendous emotional support and books.

Arielle's commitment is to raise $3,600 by race day. I urge you to support her by making a donation to a very worthy charity. All donations are 100% tax deductible. Please contribute by visiting her personal Team Lifeline website.

As Arielle wrote in her own letter: "Thank you for supporting me, and in doing so, helping children and their families cope with the diagnosis, treatment, and aftermath of serious pediatric illness."

Today would have been Avi's 17th birthday.

2007-12-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

I can only imagine what he would have looked like and what he would have been doing. He either would have been a junior at HHNE, or, more likely, studying at a yeshiva.

And a day does not go by that...

"The Shrine"

2007-12-10T22:19:00.000-05:00

My surviving children refer to the small table holding Avi's photos as "The Shrine."

Today's Hartford Courant has a feature about grief during the December holidays. It just so happens that "The Shrine" mirrors one of the quoted bereavement counselor's recommendations:

If you have lost a family member: Don't try to ignore the loss for fear that talking about it will make people sad. Wish said, "An important dead family member is never dead, so why pretend they are really dead? They may be corporally dead, but they are not emotionally dead."

Said Feldman, "Chances are if you are thinking about it, someone else is thinking about it too."

Find a way to commemorate or memorialize the lost family member, by including an extra place setting at the table, setting up photographs or encouraging people to share memories and perhaps funny stories about the person.

Feldman also said that as painful as a loss is, "remember that not all is lost." Try to focus not just on the emptiness of the holiday table, but also on who is still there, he said.

Avi would have been a beloved uncle.

2007-12-10T21:49:00.000-05:00

As Avi's nephew grows, I think of how much of a fun uncle Avi would have been to him. He was always good with small children, as was Menachem.

This past Shabbat was the Hebrew anniversary of Avi's bar mitzvah, Mikeitz. Keeping up the tradition in his memory, I layned the entire portion, but not quite as well as Avi had done.

The meaning in a previous post of, "May you live to be 136":
The sum of the traditional blessing of 120 years added to the age that Avi did not make - 16.

The bereavement support group of Connecticut Children's Medical Center last month sent us a notice for their December 3 holiday program, giving parents the opportunity to work together on a photo book featuring their lost children. We couldn't attend, but at least I appreciated the effort. The letter, however, was a trigger...

Last Saturday night was Avi's Hebrew birthday. This Saturday would have been his 17th birthday on the civil calendar.

Knowing myself, Avi and I would most likely have been battling over his secular schoolwork, Judaism, driving privileges, as well as over many of the other demands that teenage boys make. I would rather have endured those battles than not having Avi at all.

"Until 136."

2007-10-14T21:52:00.000-04:00

The traditional Jewish wish for someone to have a long life is, "until (the age of) 120 (years)."

For my first and future grandchildren, I am changing that wish to 136 years, the sum of 16 plus 120.

Avi became an uncle Monday night...and can't enjoy it.

2007-10-09T22:04:00.000-04:00

(Updated post: Link to pictures added.)

Menachem and Rochel have a new baby boy.

My great joy is tempered only by the thought that this is yet another simcha that Avi has been cheated out of.

Cubs and Yankees

2007-10-08T23:41:00.000-04:00

When the Cubs were knocked out of the payoffs, I could hear myself teasing Avi as I had done throughout the years, "Cubs s**k! They will always s**k!"

Tonight, he would have paid me back on the occasion of the Yankees' loss with his "Ha...ha! ha...ha!"

I can hear those "ha...ha"'s from his voice right now. I heard them as the Yankees were losing their two other games. I miss them.

Daily Sight

2007-10-03T08:44:00.000-04:00

Until Avi's own computer was up and running, this picture was a daily sight of him at age 14 being on my computer, slouched in the corner of my office. Everyday, I would bug him to sit up straight and I would inquire about his homework...or lack thereof. If I did not like what I heard, I would password the computer, but it took me a while to learn that he had found a way to evade it (through the Go Back utility). Eventually, I managed to keep one step ahead of him...I think.

I'm now studying information technology on my own (CompTIA A+) in preparation for a new career, one that Avi might have taken. If only I knew then what I know now. I could have been a bigger help to Avi when he was building his computer. In fact, he would have appropriated and devoured my A+ manuals! There is so much that I could have been sharing with him right now (in between getting him to do some schoolwork).

Another Holy Day Season

2007-10-03T08:43:00.000-04:00

We're in the midst of the second autumn Holy Day cycle since Avi's death. (I hate euphemisms like "passed away.") I again went through Rosh haShana and Yom Kippur by rote, assisting with the running of the services and mouthing most of the familiar prayers.

Avi used to fervently pray such lines as "write us in the book of life," which he believed literally. I refused to recite similar passages this year, in rebellion against the plain meaning of the words. Although I had never taken the words literally, always giving them poetic interpretations, I did not wish this time to undertake that academic exercise.

Likewise, I stayed away during Unetaneh Tokef, as I had done last year. I just did not want to be part of the moment.

We are now concluding Sukkot. For the first time, I had to build our sukkah without the assistance of any of my children. I still remember how Avi helped me two years ago.

As is the custom, we read Koheleth (Ecclesiastes) at synagogue this past Saturday. The author, whoever he was, had it right - "everything is vanity."

Maybe I'll elaborate.

Empty Nest

2007-08-24T16:04:00.000-04:00

We took Chana off to college last Sunday.

Some people have been reminding us that we have an empty nest.
Others have been asking how it feels to have an empty nest.

Our "nest" became prematurely empty, so I'd rather that others not ask me about it.

I did not get emotional about Chana going away...She's not far and she can come home whenever she wants. Not so for...

Plaque for Avi in Israel

2007-08-17T17:19:00.000-04:00

Avi's uncle and aunt, Moshe and Ronna Teren dedicated a memorial plaque in their synagogue in Ramat Bet Shemesh. Moshe chose the Biblical verse from Avi's bar mitzvah portion, Miketz (the Joseph story).

Translation: "Can a man like this be found who has the spirit of God within him?"

Finally emptied the closet.

2007-07-25T21:37:00.000-04:00

We finally went through Avi's clothing to give away. Some will be going to someoneone in the community. The rest I dropped off at the collection box of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, New Haven chapter.

We kept a few items, including Avi's blue dress shirt, a personalized jacket and his basketball jersey as tokens of his physical presence.

Chana graduated HHNE last night.

2007-06-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

Chana Esther, Avi's beloved sister, had this to say in her speech last night:

It says in Pirkei Avot 2:4, ..., Hillel said, "Don't separate yourself from the community." Rashi understands this statement as meaning that one should not separate from the community when it is experiencing difficulties so that one can be united with it when it experiences joy. Sharing in the experiences of a community is not something done on a whim; to really take part in a community, both in its joy and in its pain, is unavoidable because you are an integral part of the unit as a whole. To share in the joy means that you care about the people involved, and once you do start to care, you automatically feel their pain as well. Over the years, HHNE has experienced both joys and difficulties, but its devoted community has only grown stronger and more caring, and I am glad to say that I am a part of it.

Her friends and teachers at HHNE have been exemplifying Chana's message in their support of her since Avi's funeral through the shiva through last night.

If only Avi could have been there last night. At the reception, I watched Avi's classmates interacting with each other. I tried to imagine what Avi as a sixteen-year-old would have looked and acted like.

HHNE Graduation & Award Presentation

2007-06-19T19:35:00.000-04:00

Rabbi Daniel Lowe, principal of the Hebrew High School of New England, presented the first Avi Lapidus Memorial Award last night during the graduation exercises.

"The Avi Lapidus Memorial Award recognizes a student who has demonstrated a passion for both Judaic Studies and Technology."

The recipient was Tyler Berenson. Click on the link to read Tyler's March 2006 eulogy for Avi.

Rabbi Lowe in introducing the new award noted that it has only been sixteen months since Avi's death and that the school remains deeply affected.

When his name was announced as the winner, I could see that Tyler shed a tear in sadness for Avi and in humility.

I've been acquainted with Tyler for the past few years and I have watched him mature and grow Jewishly. I cannot think of a more appropriate choice out of the impressive group of thirteen graduates.

New Graduation Award at HHNE in Avi's Memory

2007-06-12T22:51:00.000-04:00

Thanks to donations made in Avi's memory to the Hebrew High School of New England, an annual award will be given to a graduating senior who exemplifies Avi's love of Judaic studies, and who has utilized computer/internet knowledge to further Jewish learning. The award will be presented for the first time this Monday, June 18 at the graduation ceremony.

Details t.b.a.

Begley in Newsweek: "Get Shrunk at Your Own Risk"

2007-06-12T22:42:00.000-04:00

But everyone will experience grief—and counseling for normal bereavement may not always be benign. A 2000 study found that four in 10 people who lost a loved one would have been better off without grief counseling (based on a comparison with people who were randomly assigned to a no-therapy group). That was especially so for those who experienced normal grief. In that case, counseling sometimes prolonged and deepened grief, leaving more depression and anxiety than in those who worked through their loss on their own.

I haven't found the need for grief counseling for myself, despite the automatic recommendations made by a number of people withing the weeks following Avi's death.

I'm familiar with grief counseling and I've made use of a manual on the subject. My attitude is: I'll define for myself, and not let others do so, what is "normal" and "appropriate."

"How many children do you have?" - Revisited

2007-06-03T16:23:00.000-04:00

Last May 30, I posted about I would answer the inevitable question, "How many children do you have?"

When I answer the question the way I have been, a damper is placed on the inquirer and my loss becomes the primary topic, which I don't always want to occur. How to avoid that? I haven't quite figured that out.

Last month, a bereaved mother with the same dilemma told me that she and her husband, a rabbinic colleague, avoid that question when going to public dinners (weddings, sedarim, etc.) attended by new people by finding a table just for themselves (or with old acquaintances). I don't think that approach would be best for me.

Perhaps, I could respond, "I have two adult children." (Chana turned 18 last month.)
That response is sufficiently ambiguous to satisfy the inquirer, while allowing me not to exclude the existence of another child - the one who will never enjoy adulthood.

Is it OK for you to bring up good memories of Avi?

2007-06-03T16:03:00.000-04:00

Yes, whether at Shabbat dinners, chance encounters, etc. I find it comforting when somebody brings up Avi in conversation, whether about recollections or simply how much he is missed.

Also, I, myself, won't be bothered at all if you had a child in Avi's class or group, and you mention what your child is now doing or has achieved. However, I write only for myself. I understand from other bereaved parents that they would have different, less positive, reactions.

If you want to offer advice...

2007-06-03T16:01:00.000-04:00

Don't, unless you are a trained professional or you are, HvSh, in a similar situation.

Do you have recollections, anecdotes, feelings to share here?

2007-05-29T19:15:00.000-04:00

I invite readers to post comments, especially those with memories to share.

Synagogue Memorial Plaque

2007-05-28T20:54:00.000-04:00

Avi's plaque at Beth David Synagogue is mounted on the memorial board in the foyer just outside the beit midrash (chapel), which Avi used to pass on his way to services on Friday evenings, Saturday afternoons, and on a number of weekday services.

That board was probably the last thing that Avi saw inside the synagogue building when he left Beth David after his final, weekday minyan on the Sunday morning before his death.

Cheated Out of Another Day

2007-05-28T18:09:00.000-04:00

"...Mekhadesh b'khol yom ma'ase v'reisheet..."

"...Who renews every day the act of Creation..."

Every new day reminds me of yet another day out of which Avi was cheated.

In the entries below are photos of Avi throughout his short life.
I adjusted the time stamps so that the photos will go from top to bottom from youngest to oldest.

Avi at 18 Days

2007-05-28T18:08:00.000-04:00

Avi's "graduation picture" from the Neonatal ICU at Arnot-Ogden Hospital, Elmira, NY.

"Eit laledet..." - "A time to be born..."

Avi's First Studio Photo

2007-05-28T18:06:00.000-04:00

Avi at Age 2

2007-05-28T18:04:00.000-04:00

This was his favorite photo.

Ages 4 and 3

2007-05-28T18:02:00.000-04:00

These were taken at the Temple Judea Nursery School in Massapequa, NY.

Budding Chess Player

2007-05-28T17:58:00.000-04:00

Avi was becoming a pretty good chess player, learning from and playing against Chessmaster8000 and from people online. Here, he pondered a move over my chess set, one that I had owned since my early childhood.

Age 5

2007-05-28T17:54:00.000-04:00

Avi, the Power Ranger

2007-05-28T17:50:00.000-04:00

Avi used to spend hours constructing complex figures based on the Power Rangers cartoon show.

Age 6

2007-05-28T17:46:00.000-04:00

Age 7

2007-05-28T17:42:00.000-04:00

Age 8

2007-05-28T17:38:00.000-04:00