Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Chana graduated HHNE last night.

Chana Esther, Avi's beloved sister, had this to say in her speech last night:
It says in Pirkei Avot 2:4, ..., Hillel said, "Don't separate yourself from the community." Rashi understands this statement as meaning that one should not separate from the community when it is experiencing difficulties so that one can be united with it when it experiences joy. Sharing in the experiences of a community is not something done on a whim; to really take part in a community, both in its joy and in its pain, is unavoidable because you are an integral part of the unit as a whole. To share in the joy means that you care about the people involved, and once you do start to care, you automatically feel their pain as well. Over the years, HHNE has experienced both joys and difficulties, but its devoted community has only grown stronger and more caring, and I am glad to say that I am a part of it.
Her friends and teachers at HHNE have been exemplifying Chana's message in their support of her since Avi's funeral through the shiva through last night.

If only Avi could have been there last night. At the reception, I watched Avi's classmates interacting with each other. I tried to imagine what Avi as a sixteen-year-old would have looked and acted like.

HHNE Graduation & Award Presentation

Rabbi Daniel Lowe, principal of the Hebrew High School of New England, presented the first Avi Lapidus Memorial Award last night during the graduation exercises.

"The Avi Lapidus Memorial Award recognizes a student who has demonstrated a passion for both Judaic Studies and Technology."

The recipient was Tyler Berenson. Click on the link to read Tyler's March 2006 eulogy for Avi.

Rabbi Lowe in introducing the new award noted that it has only been sixteen months since Avi's death and that the school remains deeply affected.

When his name was announced as the winner, I could see that Tyler shed a tear in sadness for Avi and in humility.

I've been acquainted with Tyler for the past few years and I have watched him mature and grow Jewishly. I cannot think of a more appropriate choice out of the impressive group of thirteen graduates.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

New Graduation Award at HHNE in Avi's Memory

Thanks to donations made in Avi's memory to the Hebrew High School of New England, an annual award will be given to a graduating senior who exemplifies Avi's love of Judaic studies, and who has utilized computer/internet knowledge to further Jewish learning. The award will be presented for the first time this Monday, June 18 at the graduation ceremony.

Details t.b.a.

Begley in Newsweek: "Get Shrunk at Your Own Risk"

But everyone will experience grief—and counseling for normal bereavement may not always be benign. A 2000 study found that four in 10 people who lost a loved one would have been better off without grief counseling (based on a comparison with people who were randomly assigned to a no-therapy group). That was especially so for those who experienced normal grief. In that case, counseling sometimes prolonged and deepened grief, leaving more depression and anxiety than in those who worked through their loss on their own.
I haven't found the need for grief counseling for myself, despite the automatic recommendations made by a number of people withing the weeks following Avi's death.

I'm familiar with grief counseling and I've made use of a manual on the subject. My attitude is: I'll define for myself, and not let others do so, what is "normal" and "appropriate."

Sunday, June 03, 2007

"How many children do you have?" - Revisited

Last May 30, I posted about I would answer the inevitable question, "How many children do you have?"

When I answer the question the way I have been, a damper is placed on the inquirer and my loss becomes the primary topic, which I don't always want to occur. How to avoid that? I haven't quite figured that out.

Last month, a bereaved mother with the same dilemma told me that she and her husband, a rabbinic colleague, avoid that question when going to public dinners (weddings, sedarim, etc.) attended by new people by finding a table just for themselves (or with old acquaintances). I don't think that approach would be best for me.

Perhaps, I could respond, "I have two adult children." (Chana turned 18 last month.)
That response is sufficiently ambiguous to satisfy the inquirer, while allowing me not to exclude the existence of another child - the one who will never enjoy adulthood.

Is it OK for you to bring up good memories of Avi?

Yes, whether at Shabbat dinners, chance encounters, etc. I find it comforting when somebody brings up Avi in conversation, whether about recollections or simply how much he is missed.

Also, I, myself, won't be bothered at all if you had a child in Avi's class or group, and you mention what your child is now doing or has achieved. However, I write only for myself. I understand from other bereaved parents that they would have different, less positive, reactions.

If you want to offer advice...

Don't, unless you are a trained professional or you are, HvSh, in a similar situation.
Zichron Avraham Yehudah - Blogged