29 Kislev

Tonight starts the 29th day of Kislev, the fifth night of Hanuka, Avi's Hebrew birthday.

We add a candle each night to Avi's Hanukiya.

Avi's candles remain unlit.

"Shehekheyanu"

It was with difficulty that I uttered the "Shehekheyanu" blessing, the last of three blessings, on lighting the Hanukiya on the first night of Hanuka yesterday.

Sure, I was kept alive and enabled to reach Hanuka, but Avi wasn't.
Hanuka last year was the last time that Avi was able to recite "Shehkheyanu."
He never will again.

I ended up reciting the words of the blessing, because Rabbi Adler had reminded me that Avi would not have wanted me to cease observing any mitzvah on his account. My reaching Hanuka this year has enabled me to help keep Avi's memory alive.

Photos From Avi's Last Birthday

We were all so innocent.

Cutting the cake with Chana

Blowing out the candle

This Friday, December 15...

...would have been Avi's 16th birthday. The months of Kislev and December are especially hard for that reason as I recall Avi's final birthday and the events that followed. Everything is still so unreal.

Avi and I probably would have talked this week about the Chicago Bears, his driver's ed plans, computers, his Jewish studies and, of course, homework.

I'm not particularly looking forward this year to Hanuka, during which Avi was born. He always lit his own candles. This year, the Hanukiya that he received as a bar mitzvah gift from a classmate will be displayed but will remain dark.

I have been practicing the Torah portions for the following Shabbat - the eighth day of Hanuka and Miketz, the story of Joseph's rise to power in Egypt. Avi read those portions for the past three years. Now in his memory, I will do so this year, although probably not as well as he had done.

Miketz tells of a bereaved father, Jacob, who thought that his son Joseph had died many years before, and who was faced with the possible loss of his beloved youngest son, Benjamin, the only full brother of Joseph.

Jacob's story has a happy ending. He learned that not only was Joseph alive but that Joseph had risen to be the viceroy of Egypt. Jacob lived to be united with all twelve of his sons.

My story of course will not have such an ending.
Avi will never come back.
I'm left only with memories.